Insomnolence |Ryden AU| ✔️

~19~

Why does human life have to be so precious?  Why can a simple accident cause so much pain and suffering?  Why does something as quintessential as driving lead to so many deaths?  Why do bad things happen to good people?

These are things I wish I knew the answer to, but I'm afraid I'll never find out.

I don't know how to react.  Dr. Holland stares at me sorrowfully, like his pitiful gaze is going to magically make everything better.  The glint in his eyes or the somber expression on his face isn't going to save my Ryan from certain death.  I think he fails to realize that.

"What do you mean?"  I dare to question.  I can't hide the break in my voice.  I don't know what to do anymore.  "He's lasted this long.  Why are you saying this now?"

"We've been discussing it for a while,"  Dr. Holland tells me.  Right now his voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.  "We've been meaning to tell you for a couple of weeks, but we didn't know how to break the news."

So hide it from me.  That was apparently the better option in their minds.

"I'll give you a few minutes to say your goodbyes."  And he turns to leave the room, the swishing of his pristine coat the only thing filling the dreadful silence.

What am I supposed to do....?

Everything is falling apart.  Weeks and weeks of sleepless nights, torturous nightmares, overtimes, another job, pure stress....all for nothing?  He's been dying for almost two weeks, and the doctors just got around to breaking the news to me?  Were they afraid I was going to act out, maybe break one of their precious machines?  Surely that's the better option, considering they're doctors and it's their job to care for people.  They should have told me, regardless of what my heart might be telling me right now.

I don't want to let go of him.

This is it.  This is the end.  I met him, became his therapist, his friend.  I fell in love, slowly but surely, because who couldn't love someone like him?  He might not have had much to say, but sometimes peaceful silence is enough to fill the air, and God, I enjoyed his presence.  I loved every second I spent with him, and it kills me to think that I'd only known him for a couple of weeks before I lost him to this tragic, avoidable accident.

Why did this have to happen....?

I don't know what to do.  God, I don't know what to do, so I do the only thing that manages to pass through the mess of my spiraling mind.

I call Sarah.

She's in the room with me within minutes, tears silently streaming down her cheeks as she stares at the wilted roses at his bedside.  All the flowers are dead and wilted, but yet they still smell beautiful.  Is that the cruel world trying to tell me something?  Is it trying to tell me that although he may be dying, my love for him will never dissipate?  That he'll always be beautiful in my eyes?

The world has a sick sense of humor.

I don't even know how to react anymore.  I'm just....numb.  I can't feel anything.  Everything is just a dull ache, throbbing with every beat of my pounding heart.  Am I supposed to feel something?  All of my emotions have been spent over the span of these six dreadful weeks.  I'm devastated, completely heartbroken, but I just don't know how else to express it.  Should I cry?  Should I scream into the night?  Should I just collapse and retreat from the world?  I don't know.  I feel like I'm floating through time, unattached from my own body.  Is any of this even real anymore?

Sarah clings to my arm as we stand in silence, watching the screen that shows the faint beat of his heart.  I feel like it's getting slower and slower, weaker and weaker, and....