Random Writing

Wishes~

People assume when I talk bad about myself I'm just wanting the attention they don't understand it's how I genuinely feel.

They tell me I need to stop and get a hold of myself and stop seeking attention and I need to be more mature. They don't realize that when I say I'm fat I actually believe I'm fat. When I say I'm ugly I genuinely believe I'm ugly.

I don't just say these things so people will give me complaints because even when they do I still don't believe them. I've even tried to be positive and say empowering things to myself but I still find myself being sad.

I want to leave. I don't want to leave my school, my house. I want to leave the pain. I want to leave this world. I want to see the people I've lost in my life. I want to hug them again. I want to wrap my arm around them and never let go.

But I can't. I have to stay here. Because no matter how many times I try to leave it never works. I've tried pills, blades and anything under the sun but they never seem to work.

Nothing seems to stop the pain. I turned to drugs for a while just to escape the pain. Just for a little while. I also tried booze. Anything to make me numb. I tried it. I just want the endless pain to stop!

I want to wake up in the mornings and not want to cry. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not see everything wrong with myself. But that's never going to happen so I guess it's just a wish.