Random Writing

A mess~

I cried and yet nobody heard
I reached for you and you pushed me away
I called for help and you rolled your eyes
Death is what I wish for sometimes
You'd be happier if I wasn't here I think to myself
Why am I here; I make your life hell

I try to hide but the voices in my head always seem to find me and they torment me.

They told me I was pretty but I would never believe them because I was told otherwise my whole life.

That night was hell; I cried my self to sleep because I felt alone. I felt like nobody was there and i had nobody to go to.

I see you looking at her. You look at her the way I wish you'd look at me but I know I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, or enough period.

You're different, in a good way. You make me laugh but you also make me cry. It's not like you do it on purpose. It's just because I know I'll never have you.

I look at you and see my world crumbling down. You hold my heart I'm your hands but you will never know that.

I heard the words "I don't like you like that." My heart sank down to my stomach. Tears ran down my face, I cried while everyone told me you weren't worth my tears that I'll find someone better.

I don't want someone better I want you, the one who makes me laugh. The one who makes my face light up when you text me. It felt my you shot me, right in the heart.

Sometimes I wish to crawl in a hole and never come out. Sometimes I think you'd better happier that way.

When I talk negatively about myself you get mad. Does that mean you care? Or do you wish I would just shut up; so I did.

They call me rude because I'm quite. I'm quite because I feel judged when I talk.

The big one, ms. Piggy, fat pig, fatty. They call me names and I believe them. I starved myself to please them. They still call me fat and I still believe.

They told me that everyone hates me, they told me i had no real friends and i believed them and ended up pushing those closes to me away.

20, 30, 40 pounds gone and it's still not enough. They still taunt me, tell me I'm fat and take shots at my self esteem and laugh at me.

When I get home I cry and look in a mirror and pick everything wrong with me. They say they know me but the don't know what wars I'm fighting.

An endless war with my depression. When you laugh it's another point for team depression. You're killing me but you don't know it or you do and you just don't care.

I don't get close to people because I know it will just end it tears and heart ache. I try and shield myself from the bullets you shoot at me. My shield has been broken but i still try to save myself.

Best friends are supposed to protect you from the harsh word but you didn't, you shot them at me when  two months before you were protecting me.

Fake is what I'm scared of. Fake smiles, fake friends, fake people. I'm scared of fake yet I put on a fake smile everyday. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.

I'm a mess and everyone knows it. I try to act like I have it together but I don't.

All I want is a hug from you but that's never going to happen. We're best friends yet we know nothing about each other.

I long to be closer; I want to know your fears, your favorite hobbies, anything for me to feel closer to you. That day you sat down with me and told me what your hobbies are and what your scared of made me feel a little closer; but not close enough.

Everyone thinks happy but I'm actually killing myself inside out. I'm tearing myself down with self hate.

I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm never going to be enough.

The things I say to myself on a normal day. I genuinely hate myself but i put a smile on my face and go on with life. Because nobody cares how I feel.

Some nights I cry myself to sleep and I try to muffle my cry's with a pillow because I don't want anyone to pity me.

I look up at the moon and just drift off into a world where people aren't so cruel and I can be myself and not feel judged.

They tell me to get help, get meds but they don't understand those things don't work for me. Meds just make me tired and therapists never work for me.

I tried to hind my sadness but you always find out, I hid it for a while before you caught me crying for no reason. I wiped away the tears and put on another fake smile and went on.

You always tell me I need to eat but you don't realize I'm not eating because I want to lose what makes me sad.

I tried starving myself and it worked. But then I felt sick so I had to eat and I cried because I knew all my work to lose all that weight was gone. I starved myself for you. But you don't need to know that.