December 26th, 2017
This year has been a year. I became a senior, removed people from my life, & added some. Got to hang out with friends, got to football games, mall, movies, got to see my family & spend time in McBee, and more.
But for a good portion of that time starting in maybe late September, but went away then came back in late October/early November I hit my all time low.
For almost a month I had horrible HORRIBLE depression. Almost everyday was a struggle.
I didn't want to get out of bed, not because I was sleepy, but because I didn't want to, I didn't have the strength.
Some nights after taking a shower, it was hard for me to get in bed because I didn't want to move.
I began making low grades on tests, which deepened my depression more.
I got so mad because I couldn't focus on what the teacher was saying, so I would just stop paying attention. I didn't care. Everything was falling around me. My grades were sinking, my interest suddenly didn't interest me anymore.
I would have random breakdowns.
The slightest things set me off.
I wasn't who I wanted to be.
Then came mid November. That's when it got terrible. All the thoughts that had gone away came back. I wanted to go back self harming. I wanted to die. I felt like I didn't deserve all the good that I had received from friends and my mom, dad & brother. I didn't feel worthy or good enough. But mid November was my breaking point.
I went to my mom and told her "I'm not okay. I need to go to the hospital or somewhere. I'm having thoughts and want to act upon them. I don't want to hurt myself yet at the same time I do. I need help."
She listened. She heard. She helped me through until it was time to see my psychiatrist.
A week later the appointment was cancelled. I didn't want to wait ANOTHER week with these thoughts, but I did.
I had many people by my side.
So I saw my psychiatrist and now I'm able to actually smile and say "I'm happy".
I actually feel like I'm worth something. I feel better.
My depression isn't going to go away with the snap of a finger, but it doesn't have to consume me or my life.
I can now say, coming to a close end of 2017, depression-0 me-1. Depression wasn't going to take me away. Ever. I kicked depressions butt. If it comes back, then I'll ask for help. But for now, I couldn't be happier. Depression doesn't have to consume you unless you let it. Then once it fully consumes you it's hard to get out of its grasp.
Don't be scared to admit you're depressed or somethings wrong. Someone might be going through the same thing.
There's help out there. If you need it, go get it.
With all that being said, I'm happy and can't wait to see what 2018 holds.
I also want to take the time to thank the people who helped me and stuck by me through my good times and bad times. It means so much to me ♡
-A
if you or anyone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts please call 1-800-273-8255
you can even message me.
you're not alone.
