I don't hate you. I just hate looking at you because it reminds me of how weak I am.
I am not angry at you, I just get mad everytime I remember how I used to blame you for my own faults.
Just because of one miscalculated descision, everything I Planned for this past few years, GONE. I don't blame you for it, my only regret is that I wish I could have said 'No' that day. I wished i could have overslept. I wished i got a super bad hangover so i don't have to get out of bed. I wished i was not so eager to complete the goal i set for my self that i could have affored to skip one day of practice. I could have slacked and didn't move that day. I wish I listned to my body when it said that i was feeling weak that day.
That's that. That what's on my mind every single day. Every waking hour and I count the minutes I dwell on it every night because if i don't I wont be able to fall asleep. Somenights I don't cry. Somenights I do. Somenights I have to distract myself from remembering it before I go sleep, because if I don't it haunts my dreams.
I regret a lot of things. I wish a lot too. I tell myself its not a big deal. Other's been through much worse than I did. Others never get to live the day and the next, so I tell myself I am Lucky and should be thankful instead. sometimes it works, there are times it didn't. I even envy the dead for they feel nothing, they don't have to do anything, they rot physically unlike me who feels it from the inside.
I guess there are dreams that are just not meant to happen. Maybe I should just quit. I already did my best. That summer i did feel i can get strong if i put my mind into it. I did overcome limits. This time the limits was just something that can be simply conqured with sweat, blood or tears.
I give up. Its time to move on. Focus on things that I can still do.
