I Would Kill For You

9. Mad World

"A word, please?"

Worry made her smile falter. The girl near us nodded understandingly and left us alone. Ellie analysed me for a moment, and I could see anxiety creeping in her bones when I voiced quiveringly:

"I know you're the one who told Damian about the dare."

Her lily-white complexion blanched even more. Her straight, long eyebrows arched upwards in mild surprise, then followed by resignation. She rubbed the back of her neck almost nervously and exhaled deeply.

"I'm sorry." she apologised, cocking her head to the side and giving me a regretful look.

"Why did you lie to me? I asked you about it. You said that he probably eavesdropped on the conversation. And then I showed you the list of his potential friends. You listened to me without saying a word, when actually you were the secret friend. Why?" I inquired her, scrutinizing her coldly.

"Because he asked me not to tell you. Look, I know you're upset..."

"Why?" I cut her short, crossing my arms over my chest. "Why would you hide your friendship from me?"

Everything made sense now: why she defended him when we talked about him and that kiss. Why he smiled that way at her that day, when she was sharing flyers. That wasn't very subtle, but I didn't suspect it; I thought that maybe he liked her or he was trying to make me jealous for whatever reason.

"Not just from you. The whole school. If Avery or Paul knew that I was on his side, they would have treated me just the way they treat him. And they would have dislodged me from the group."

"I thought you said you only go to the club for me. Was that a lie as well?" I asked her sharply. I was trembling from the cold, but could feel my blood boiling on the inside.

"Rosabel..." she stepped forward, but I steered away from her touch.

"No, I want to understand. We've been best friends for years. And one day, Damian approaches you and asks you to be his spy, to lie to me. And you agree." I summarized it desolately.

"You're quivering. Let's go inside. I'll explain, okay? Please." she beseeched, motioning towards the house.

I followed her.

***

"It was about one week after Monica's death. You know, when Damian became the outcast. I saw him one day sitting alone in the cafeteria, talking with someone on the phone. The academy was almost empty, since classes were over, but I had stayed behind to help our biology teacher with a project. And I saw him and I just...wanted to let him know that I believed he was innocent. We didn't talk much that day. But he asked me about you."

She stopped, as if it were really difficult for her to talk about it. I didn't interrupt her, though I wanted to.

"He asked if you thought he was the one who killed Monica. I didn't know what to reply, so I just answered vaguely. Since then, we started talking more and more. He'd occasionally ask about you, but I didn't tell him much. We agreed not to tell anyone about our friendship. I knew you wouldn't approve of it. When Avery dared you to slap him, I had to tell him. He deserved to know."

"But you lied to me. You acted like you didn't know Damian at all." I chimed in, unable to keep quiet.

"I know, I know. But he asked me not to tell you how he found out about the dare. And if I told you that I was the one who warned him, you wouldn't have understood and I would have to tell you the truth. But I'm telling you the truth now. We couldn't keep it a secret anymore, not to you. Not when..." she trailed off, her voice cracking. I thought she was about to cry for a second, but she looked up at me with her big eyes, and though they were gleaming, it wasn't because of tears. Or was it?

"Not when what?"

She leapt to her feet suddenly, taking me by utter surprise. She shook her head slowly, disappointingly.

"I'm sorry, I thought I could do this, but I can't. Not right now."

"What do you mean?" I exclaimed, getting up as well.

"Don't tell anyone about our friendship, please. It will only make things worse." she requested, preparing to leave.

"Hold on. What just happened?!" I cried out.

I was more confused than ever. I approached Ellie and blocked her path to the door. I wasn't going to let her walk out on me. Not until she told me the whole truth. She kept her head down, her face covered by the fiery strands of her hair. My anger was completely gone; now I just couldn't feel anything but frustration. I wanted so hard to understand, but everywhere I turned, I could only see questions and things that didn't connect. I took her hair out of her face softly and observed a pearl-shaped tear roll down her porcelain cheek. Her chin was slightly trembling. I felt panic rise in my chest, a heavy weight pressing on my heart. "Ellie, why are you crying?" I asked her gently.

"It's stupid." she mumbled, so quiet I almost didn't hear.

"Why are you crying? Is it because I was upset earlier? It's fine, really. I'll get over it. You're still my best friend and I love you. It's not that big of a deal." I told her in a soothing timbre, feeling guilty for my hostile behaviour.

She wiped her tears with the back of her palm and took a deep breath, looking me in the eye. She seemed as if she was about to burst into tears again, but her voice was controlled when she asked me:

"Do you like him, Bel?"

The question took me aback. I cleared my throat and dodged the answer.

"What does this have to do with anything?"

"He really likes you. He really, really likes you."

I was taken aback by her words. She sounded so certain, so resolute that I didn't try to contradict her. She stormed outside the room, leaving me alone. I called her name and told her to wait, but she didn't. I ran after her, but she already had a head start and when I reached the first floor, she had already blended with dozens of students. I looked around for her, but instead of Gabrielle, I spotted Avery and Paul near the entrance, sipping on their drinks. I walked to them immediately.

"Have you seen Ellie?"

Avery was wearing a two-piece black dress, tight on her body, that accentuated her model-like silhouette and slim waist. She had knee-high stiletto boots and Paul's biker jacket draped around her shoulders. Her perfect eyebrows furrowed, letting go of the straw between her heart-shaped lips.

"I don't think so." She scanned my appearance from head to toe, her blue hues riveting to my face. "Why are you looking so flustered? And where have you been?"

I barely heard her. I was worried about Gabrielle and felt as if I had just woken up from a deep sleep, befuddled and in an unknown realm. Maybe I was dreaming, and tomorrow I'd wake up in my room, next to my cat.

"I'm tired, that's all." I muttered quickly as an excuse, and left.

I was supposed to stay at Gabrielle's for the night, but apparently, plans changed radically. I couldn't go back home, certainly not alone and not at two AM. I found my phone after a while and called my best friend, but to no avail. I was about to text her when I saw Devon walk up to me with a smile.

"There you are. Are you feeling better?"

Oh, if he only knew the irony. I wasn't feeling better at all. I felt drained of energy, empty, abandoned. I glanced at the drink in his hand and laughed despondently.

"No, not yet. But I will soon."