I Would Kill For You

12. (im)Pure

❝ my eyes averted yours. in case the pretence of being just friends was revealed, the longing to be more, given away. ❞

michael faudet

WARNING: This chapter contains some strong language.

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To love and to be in love with someone were two disparate things.

Her words came as a complete shock to me. I'm in love with Damian. That was a very serious declaration, that left no place for doubts. She had said it with utter certainty, her lips pressed tightly together. I damned myself mentally for not realising it sooner. I had been so caught in my own thoughts and problems that I had been blind. And once I'd heard it, there was no way to get it out of my mind. I fumbled for words for a long time, and I sensed the growing waves of anxiety and tension that she emanated. My silence probably expressed a lot more than anything else could.

"Bel, please say something." she pleaded after a while.

I leant back, withdrawing my hand from hers. I placed my elbow on the arm of the chair and rested my chin on my palm. I didn't feel anything -- I guessed I was still too consternated by her confession. What was there to feel, anyway? Damian and I weren't even friends. Damian and I were something else...and we weren't. We were and we weren't. What a paradox.

"Have you told him about it?" I asked her, trying not to betray any emotion.

Judging by her expression, apparently no reaction was worse than one.

"No, no. I could never. Not when he likes you." she uttered, fiddling with her fingers in her lap. Her eyes were cast down as if she was afraid to meet mine. "Do you like him? Because if you do, I'll step away, really, even if it'll kill me on the inside." She saw me part my lips but stopped me from talking with a frenzied gesture. "Please let me finish. If you don't like him that much, or if you don't like him at all, could you maybe...ask him if he could ever like me? Or help me do something that will make him like me? I'll do the same for you with Devon. I know you guys are closer now."

Do you like him? I stifled a hysterical laugh. I didn't know what she expected me to answer. He was my first kiss. My heart fluttered whenever I saw him, but not in a romantic, sappy kind of way. It was almost like a violent storm was raging inside of me, but I enjoyed every part of it. Every sense of mine and feeling were heightened when I was around him. He was so beautiful it hurt, beautiful like lightning on dark skies, beautiful like a fallen angel, bereft of wings.

Do you like him? I hated him. He was unpredictable and he might have killed someone. One day, he might kill me. And I'd let him. That's how messed up I was around him. That's how weak I was when I was around him.

I didn't want to feel that way.

Liar, liar.

"I can't promise you anything, Ellie. But I'll ask if he has feelings for you." I replied blandly.

"Thank you. You're the best friend ever." she uttered gratefully, a warm smile lightening up her face. "So you're not mad? It's cool with you, isn't it?"

The relief and happiness that laced her features made my heart shrink to the size of a pea. How could I crush all of that hope? How could I break my best friend's heart and tell her that Damian was someone special to me? I was torn in two: on one side was him, and on the other brink was my best friend. Boys come and go, but friendships are forever, I reminded myself, but suddenly that sounded like a pathetic excuse to me.