Swallowing Glass

Chapter One: How Pure?

I suddenly realize that Maddie is behind the door. Something’s wrong. I know it. Tension is in the air and makes me shake a chill off of my spine. Maddie’s hesitation and deep breathing worries me. Bed news, I really don’t handle it well. I can’t even try to prepare for it. It always cuts deeper then expected. Especially the news of Danny’s death. His murder.

She finally knocks on the door but with less confidence than normal. I cover the mirror in a white cloth. Pure. Then I turn to the door and unlock it. She steps in with a cute little smile that has a ton of fear behind it. My thoughts turn to Kaitlen, whom I haven’t seen in four and a half months. I wonder if she is in trouble again.

‘What do you want, Maddie?’ I said very unenthusiastically and a sharp rudeness comes from it as well. She frowned, yet the fear still remained. She was so transparent. It was so obvious she was scared and nervous. It showed in her eyes.

‘Have you gotten lunch yet?’ she said, not really caring, just really desperate to venture off the topic that was eating her insides.

‘I don’t like being answered by a question. So if you’d kindly indulge.’ Every word from my mouth stung like salt in a cut. I don’t see why Madison still has hope in me.

‘You didn’t answer mine either, Kathy.’

‘No. I have not had lunch. Incase you did not notice, I haven’t left this dusty bathroom for quite a while and the kitchen just happens to be not in here. Now, tell me what you need to say.’

‘I’ll get you lunch. What do you feel like having?’

‘I feel like having my best friend answer my question!’ Her eyebrows lowered from her past question and her smile dissolved. The familiar pain of guilt hit my stomach and made me a little dizzy. I had seen her smile slip away too many times. I’m so rude to her. But if I wasn’t, she’d get her hopes up that I’d tell her what was going on or even step out of the bathroom.

‘What bad news do you want to hear first, yours or Kaitlens?’ The pain intensified in my gut. I never had bad news about myself. Kaitlen always had bad news, always the same kind on thing. I missed her. Why would Madison ask? Is Kaitlens bad news suddenly as worse as mine? And what could possibly be mine? I mean, of course I lock myself in a bathroom and refuse to leave, but other then that?

‘Kaitlens, I guess.’ I don’t know why I had said that, but I don’t think I’d regret it. Plus, I missed her. Since she started to refuse to see me she’s been getting in trouble, big trouble. Madison says that she’s gotten her lip pierced along with her navel, her nose, and three other tattoos. She says that she has become gothic or scene and refused to even talk to Maddie. She also said that the last time she talked to her was when Kaitlen told her to just give up on me, to starve me out of my own loneliness.

‘Hmm, let’s see. Graffiti in the boy’s locker room, her anti-depressants have been destroyed, again, drugs were found at her boyfriends party, and she hasn’t shown up for the past five sessions of therapy,’ she said as she counted up to four on her fingers.

          We were silent for a while. The silence made me squirm. Kaitlen, my ‘blessing’, had become such a terrible trial. A rebel. She had no respect for anyone. She won’t even give me a second to explain. She wouldn’t believe me anyways. No one would. To them I’m a whack-job who locks herself in a bathroom, eight years after her husband’s murder. Even if I was given the time of day to explain, I don’t think I would. But, I know I would apologize and let her know that I have a reason. Let her know that I didn’t leave her. I’m not gone. To break the sad silence, Maddie added quietly, ‘She really needs you.’