The real thoughts of a real girl.

No one really knows or understands what any other person is truly thinking or going through. We live each day barley alive, we smile so others don't pry, we laugh so others don't doubt, we act so others don't suspect and we keep breathing so others don't feel guilty. But what if one day it all got too much? Who do I turn too when I cant do it anymore? Who will understand when I cant even understand? Who will care enough to help? Who will save me?

You might want to know who I am before I even attempt to continue, I'm 18, A-level Student, Female, small, chubby, weird, strange, depressed, sufferer of personality disorder, always smiling, forever laughing, forever acting, lying to the world, oh and my name is Amy. From the list what do you believe the most? Always smiling? Depressed? Complete opposites yet both extremely true. I have been diagnosed with depression yet I am known as 'bubbly' or 'always smiling', yes they may both be true I am both those things but it isn't real, I cant even remember how, why or how long ago it all began I just know that for as long as I can remember I have always been like this.

I've grew up knowing what's the moral thing to do, what's bad and what's good. What's seen as appropriate behaviour and what's seen as not. I don't know these things because I know within myself, I don't know these things due to my own morals or thoughts, I simply know these things through people telling me. I watched society and studied what was seen as good and bad, I remember how it felt when I said exactly how I was thinking and people began to question my mind. My parents weren't happy that I wasn't just a normal little girl. I was different, I was wrong. I am wrong.

I didn't have a rough childhood, I wasn't abused or neglected, I have both my parents, an older brother and a younger sister. We went on holidays, road trips, family nights, have a dog, I grew up with it all, the perfect little family life. So what happened? Why have I grown to be depressed, diagnosed with a personality disorder that I don't fully understand. I don't feel like I have true and normal emotions, I have never became attached to someone emotionally to say I love them, even my family. It seems horrible, like I'm a heartless bitch, but it's the truth. I don't feel bad for breaking the rules, for lying to my parents, or misbehaving. I don't feel like I have a strong friendship connection, I have friends but I don't have feelings towards them, I don't feel like they need me or that i need them in that matter, it doesn't make a difference, my life wouldn't change with or without them.

Yes I do enjoy having friends, they make laugh, smile and sometimes cry but I still have never felt anything towards them the way it has been explained before. I've read books and watched films and seen how two people or a family come together, they get upset when their loved one is and I have never felt that true emotion. I've never felt like i have to be there for a friend, i just know that i have to because thats what friends do, right? You enjoy eachothers company, you be there when they are upset and i dont know why, i just know thats what you are meant to do, so i do. There's been times when i honestly think i am experienceing these emotions and feelings, but then when i step back and really think about it, i was just caught up in the moment, feeling whatever the other person was feeling. I am tired emotionally and mentally, I think it's time that everyone in life knew exactly how I've been feeling and what I've been thinking for as long as I can remember, but how will they react? Will they still want me to be apart of their lives and more importantly who do I tell.

Who can I explain exactly how I feel or how I think. Who can I explain to what goes on in my head when majority of the time I don't get it, I don't know why I feel and think these things so how can it be my fault? Just because it's my mind and body it doesn't mean that whatever I think and feel is up to me, we can't control these things, we can't stop them so how can I be the one to blame? I have searched through the internet, asking questions and everywhere i look everyon says the same, 'its your life, its your mind, your body, its all up to you' But how can that possibley be true. I dont know, i honestly have no idea why i am the way i am so can't anyone believe or understand that? Just because they have different ideas and feelings, just because they know how they feel doesn't mean that everyone else does, so how come i am the only one who can understand that everyone feels and thinks different?

I want help because i know that i'm not right, not normal. I want to experience love and hurt like in the films, stories and songs. I want to be able to feel a strong connection that it effects my life. I want to be with someone and truely feel content and happy. I want to beable to explain to people that in fact i have never experienced love, everyone has that 'first love' or 'teenage love' but i havent. I have acted and said i have because i dont want people to question why an 18 year old girl hasn't. How could i explain? I've been with both boys and girls, but it's just kissing and sex, i've never felt anything more than what it actual was. It meant nothing to me, i dont feel anything towards someone when i've kissed or slept with them, its just actions, movements. Why cant i feel that bond with my family? Why do i feel like im the odd one out? Why can't i understand my own mind, emotions and thoughts because it's starting to really frustrate me.

I love music, i honestly do. Thats one thing i know i love and enioy. The feeling of a good beat, tune and a voice. How my mood can change so drastically depending on the song i am listening too. I wish i could sing or play, althought i've never tried to play but maybe i shouldnt try. I'm not really good at anything, i dont have a strong subject in school, i dont have a talent or huge interest. I cant motivate myself to do well, i dont think of the future that much like what career i want. I dont have any interest in anything which means i dont know what career or what i want to do with my life. How am i supposed to know? I see people in school working so hard and when i ask why they simply say because they have too. They motivate them selves to revise and study in order to do well so they can go off to uni to study something they know they want, they feel will make them happy. I have none of these things. I cant motivate myself, i dont know how to. I dont know what goal i can work towards because i dont have any? but why not? why am i so different? why am i not normal?

Jade. I've know Jade from i was first year through a friend who i no longer like or speak too. We stopped being friends for a few years but then some how me and Jade came together again and im grateful for that. Yes i know i have explained i dont feel a strong friendship connection but theres two girls in my life that i do honestly feel something towards and Jade is one of them. I feel more of a connection and emotion towards her than i do my own family. Sometimes i think she is one of the only reasons why i have kept sane the past 3 years. We are both honest with eachother, i know her weaknesses and she knows mines. She is beautiful and amazing. Jade is my bestfriend and if i didnt have her at all and i have no sense of friendship at all in life i honestly dont think i'd still be here, i cant explain our friendship. There is just something about her that connects me to her.

Emma. I've also known Emma from first year as we go to the same school but from 4th year we have been joint at the hip. She's amazing and just like Jade she is the only other person i feel some sort of connection with. I do care about her, we joke about everything and she can always make me smile. My mood honestly does change when she isnt happy and it's the same with Jade. Yes it isnt a strong feeling that i've read about or watched but it is still a strong feeling. I care so much for these two. Emma is just fantastic. She knows i'm not well, that i've self harmed and been depressed yet she would never bombared me with questions, when i'm with her we dont talk about serious stuff like that, we just joke and thats why i love being with her.