Always a Sickness

Chapter Seventeen

We all sat in a circle in the middle of Trevors livingroom floor. Sleeping bags, blankets and pillows were all around us. I looked around at everyone, I was glad to be back, but sad something just didn't feel right, something didn't feel the same, something inside of me didn't feel the same.
I was staring at the middle of the floor, " Vivian? " I looked up to see everyone looking at me.
" yeah? " I smiled.
" are you ok? your just staring off into the distance " Winny asked.
" actually I was staring at the floor, but- " I paused.
" no i'm not ok, I left Dave, Evan and Faith all back there, I even left my mom " I said.
" you did it to save them " Blake said.
" I would have been saving them if they came with me, but now there still there and stuck because their being used as the cure " I explained.
" we get it " Leila said.
" do you? Because you have never had the cure taken out of you and had to watch it get put in all of your friends! " I said.
" ok so we don't get it, but just think about it you did it for them " Trevor said.
" fine your right " I said.
" just take a deep breath and maybe get some rest " Samuel suggested.
" but- " he cut me off.
" yes your back and your saved our lives, but you need to get some rest " he said again.
" fine " I sighed getting up and walking into the bathroom, I closed the door and turned on the sink.
I splashed my face with water when I heard a knock at the door.
I wiped off my face then opened the door to see Trevor.
" hi " he smiled and walked into the bathroom closing the door behind him.
" so care you explain why Blake could remember you first, but not me? " he asked crossing his arms.
" I thought you both were in a fight " he said.
" I saw him first he was right in front of the window, right in front of me, he's my best friend so of course I went to him first Trevor, my friends I care more about because I know they'll always be there for me ".
" yes you will be there too, but you started off as my friend then feelings developed so yes I went to Blake first, but that doesn't mean I didn't care about you in that moment he was just the first person I saw " I explained.
" fine " he said still looking angry.
" is it really? " I asked.
" it's just starting to look like you like Blake " he said.
I wrapped my arms around his neck taking a couple steps closer to him.
" Blake is my best friend, I don't like like him, I like you, I love you " I smiled.
" I love you too " he smiled.
" but i'm still mad that you didn't come to me first ".
" and I get that, just don't stay mad forever please " I smiled.
" don't worry I wont " he smiled giving me a kiss on the forehead.
That something I was feeling early, something was different and it wasn't that I didn't bring my mom and everyone else with me, something was different between Trevor and I, weather it was feelings or something else, I knew something was different between us.

We walked back out to everyone who had just gotten all comfy in there sleeping bags and blankets.
Trevor and I slept beside each other on the ground.
It had been a couple hours since everyone had fallen asleep, I rolled over so now my back was facing Trevor. As I rolled over my eyes realized that Blake had been lying beside me. He was still asleep, but I was awake so I got up and went through the small kitchen door way and got a drink of water.
I sat down at the table and started to drink the water when I heard the floorboard creek.
I turned around to see Blake walking thru the doorway.
" why are you awake? " he asked walking over and sitting down beside me.
" couldn't sleep, why are you awake? " I asked.
" couldn't sleep either " he smiled.
" how are you doing? " he asked.
" who knows, The Watchers will always be a thing, who knows if they'll ever be stopped, be gone " I said looking down into the cup of water.
" we have to have hope right, we have to believe that they will be stopped that we will win " he said placing his hand on top of mine, I looked down at it.
" you have to have hope, Vivian your the strongest 16 year old i've ever met you've been through so much and you still don't let it get you down you keep fighting " he smiled.
I gave a small smile.
" and- " he stopped.
" what? " I asked looking up at him.
He leaned in and kissed me, as our lips connected it's like a piece of my heart that I had been lost for so many days, weeks, months, year had just come back to me, like a spark came to me, the same spark I had four months ago the same spark I had when Trevor had kissed me for the first time. The spark had come back to me.
I pulled away and just looked at him as he looked back at me, we didn't break eye contact.
" care to explain? " I looked over to the doorway to see Trevor standing there, I looked at him then back at Blake.

I took a deep breath as Trevor sat down at the table, both Trevor and Blake looked at me.
" ok " I started.
" no- " Trevor cut me off.
" you two kissed, Vivian you told me you didn't like him " Trevor said.
" and I don't- ".
" I mean I do, but I don't know " I said.
" you can't expect me to know in one second how I feel " I said.
But I did know how I feel, when I kissed Blake I felt a spark, when I kissed Trevor for the first time after we broke up there was no spark.
" but you kissed me back " Blake said.
" I know that " I said.
" so you have to know how you feel, do you like me or him? " Trevor asked.
" this is way too much for right now " I said.
" it's a simple answer Vivian " Trevor said.
I looked at Trevor then at Blake then back at Trevor then back at Blake.
" can I tell you in the morning " I said.
" sure " Blake gave a small smiled.
" fine " Trevor said getting up and walking out of the kitchen.
Blake and I made eye contact again before he walked away too.
I looked down at the table and placed my face in my hands, I pulled my hands away running them threw my hair, I would have screamed right about now or just let out a really loud sigh, but I didn't want to wake anyone up.
I knew how I feel, why didn't I just answer? Probably because I didn't want to hurt Trevor. I already have once I don't want to do it again, it hurt me and him way too much, but I really do like Blake and maybe just, maybe I do want to be with him, maybe I always have, but he was such a jerk in The Hole that my feelings were shadowed over by Trevor. No they weren't because I really like Trevor I truly did, but I just don't feel the same way I did four months ago, my feelings have changed, I have changed.
What am I going to do? Will I even answer? Or will I just leave it out in the open for them to figure it out by themselves? What did I just get myself into.