19/5/14.....Clean Since: Maybe five minutes ago? Days Clean: 0
I gave in. I can honestly say I missed it. I don't know what it is about putting blades to my skin but it really makes me feel better in all honesty. Last night I was talking to Victor and it went like this:
Victor: I only have 103 photos on my phone
Me: I have like 1000
Victor: You're insane babe;)
Me: I really need to rethink my life *Crying laughing emoji*
Victor: Yeah like us *Rolling eyes emoji*
Me:What? No? I didn't mean it that way, it was a joke
Victor: K
Me: I wasn't even talking about that
Victor: Fuck you leave me alone
He just got really mad all the sudden and I don't even know why. I didn't text him back. This morning he was trying to talk to me at school. He was behind me in the hallway and yelled my name. I kept walking so he grabbed my arm and I yanked it away from him and said "I don't want to talk to you. I told you earlier I would talk to you tomorrow." and then I walked away. Then he got all pissed at me because I wasn't talking to him. I don't understand how he is the mad one though. I mean he has never said fuck you to me or leave me alone. We tease all the time like that, I didn't mean for him to take it that way.
I honestly didn't think he would and now I'm kinda alone. Plus today in seventh hour he was tickling Lillian....she's my bestfriend and she is perfect. She is pretty and short and has abs and is a good singer and she is smart and she is perfect. I know I can't compete with her. I'm not good enough. She is super athletic too and has perfect hand writing and is sweet to everyone. She is perfect and you know I don't blame Victor for flirting with her anyways. If you compared her to me anyone on this planet would pick Lillian. Even my mother sometimes will believe Lillian over me. She treats her better too but, oh well.
If I was Victor and was into a girl like me and then saw Lillian or even knew her I wouldn't pick me either. I am always everyones last choice....I am not even really a second choice. I bet Victor and Lillian are texting and flirting right now while I sit here with tears down my face. I kinda feel like I am getting 'King Arthured' here if you know what I'm saying? How his wife or whatever fell in love with his best friend behind his back? I know thats not what real friends do but I don't have any other choices. Everyone else already has a best friend or a lot of friends. There's no room for me. I just don't fit in.
Another thing is my mother dosn't know because she would probably just tell me it is my fault or that I'm an idiot or something. So I got to come home and get yelled at about not wearing my rubber bands while I eat. I have braces and I am supposed to wear these rubber bands a lot but I don't wear them when I eat. My mother knows this and I was eating a sandwhich today and she yelled and cussed at me for not wearing them while I eat. It's a good thing I know how to hold back tears....lets say I have had a lot of practice doing it. It just seems like I can't get a break anywhere and I screw everything up. Well I am off to volleyball so I can just go mess up more things. Lillian will be there too. Yay.
Lillian told me that she told Victor I was pissed at him for what he said and what he did. I'm not pissed. I'm not angry. I'm not mad. I didn't even tell her that. There is a huge difference between being angry and being hurt.
