Isolated

1

My eyelids are set heavily on my eyes, and I wince when I open them. The lights around me are bright, too bright. I gingerly lift my pounding head and prop myself up onto my grazed elbow, and rub my forehead with my other hand.

I glance to my left, taking in the polished white bench beside me. Looking up, an IV drips through a clear plastic tube, injected into my skin. This is all too familiar.
Sighing, I let my dizzy head fall back into the pillow, closing my eyes as I wait for a nurse to inevitably turn up.

It's funny, in movies or books the characters always seem to rip their own IV out, god knows why. I tried it once, the first time I was here, just to see if it was as painless as it seemed.
It wasn't.

"Honey? You awake?" I jump and turn towards the unfamiliar voice and open one eye to see a cheery looking nurse. She reminds me of my grandma.
"Mmhmm" I nod, my voice groggy and drunk sounding.
"You have a visitor." she smiles, gesturing towards the door. I raise my head to look, expecting to see the worried or angered face of my mother, but instead I'm pleasantly surprised.
I smile at the nurse and she takes it as her cue to leave, shuffling out of the room and giving the boy at the door's shoulder a squeeze as she passes by.

I sit up quickly, a grin spreading over my face, ignoring the sharp pains and grogginess as they are replaced by happiness when he begins to walk over.
My grin is quickly replaced by a confused frown as it seems he is not as happy to see me as I him.

"Hey Cliff," I say, unable to gauge his emotions.
"Hey, Chichi," he says wearily, the use of his nickname for me calming my anxiety slightly.

"Cliff...I-"
"Why? Please, just tell me why? Did you mean to overdose? Or is it all just a game to you?" I'm taken aback by his sudden harsh tone, not that I don't deserve it.
"I'm sorry," I say, a weak response. He shakes his head, his eyes watery.

"I'm sorry that I keep doing this to you. To mum, to dad. I don't know why I did, my brain's so fuzzy I can barely remember what was going through my head. I thought I was doing okay, but then Ru-..someone offered some..." I trail off, almost too disgusted in myself to continue.
"Someone offered me some heroin, and I just thought if I could just escape my brain for just a second, everything would be okay. I know I'm selfish and a piece of sh.t for only thinking of myself. It just hurts so much, everything hurts and I just don't know how to make it stop. I can't make it stop." I look up at my brother Clifford, my breath shaky.

For a few minutes, there is silence.
All that can be heard is our breathing and the distant noises of food trolleys being pushed through the hospital corridors and the odd word being spoken.

Cliff finally speaks, one hand running through his bedhair. One part of me wants him to be honest, wants him to scream at me and tell me he hates me for ruining our family, for ruining our lives. The other part of me, the selfish part, wants him to hold me, to tell me he loves me, to tell me that it's okay, that he forgives me.
The honest part wins.
"Mum and Dad can't do this anymore, Chi. I can't do this anymore. Do you know what it's like to have your heart pound every time the phone rings, bracing yourself for the hospital call, the one that will tell us how you overdosed again, but this time, how your body couldn't take it, how this time, you weren't strong enough. Do you know what it's like to lie in bed, trying to sleep when you didn't come home that night, preparing yourself to never see your sister again.
Do you know what it's like to absolutely hate yourself because one time your subconscious took over and played a scenario in your mind where your sister didn't exist, and in that moment, you were happy?
It hurts Chi, it hurts more than any other kind of pain in the world because I love you more than anyone, more than mum, more than dad. And I can't do it anymore. I can't let you ruin the both of us."

My vision is blurry with tears, and looking down I realise that my hand is gripped tightly around his, as if he is a small child needing his hand held across a busy road.
I open my mouth to plead for another chance, but I am silenced by Cliff's shaking hand slowly peeling my hand off his. I look up at his face, trying to catch sight of his sweet hazel eyes that I've grown fond of ever since my parents handed me my little baby brother, but they are nowhere to be seen as Cliff quickly turns away. He can't even look at me.
"So I'm getting cut off?" I ask, trying to contain my sobs.
"I'm sorry Chi. I'm so sorry. Please try to be strong, for me." and with that, he practically runs out of the room, leaving me sitting on the hospital bed, my heart wrenched out of my chest.