The Certainty (Book Four in The Illusion of Certainty Series)

Russian Roulette

Hootie was in the middle of singing about letting her cry when I felt reverberations in the bleachers. I snapped my head to the side and squinted in the darkness.

Aidan was climbing the stairs in my direction.

I sighed. “Go away,” I said out loud.

I looked back up, insistent on ignoring him. There was nothing he could say that I could possibly want to hear. He’d broken my heart after all, what could he say that could fix that?

He sat on the bench above mine and looked down at me. His lips started to move but I couldn’t hear him thank god. I didn’t look at him and I tried not to breathe in, afraid I might catch a whiff of him.

After five minutes of his lips moving and me unable to hear him, I got up and started to walk away. He must’ve pulled one of my ear buds out because I was accosted with the chirping crickets and the hoots from the owls.

“Ana, you’re going to have to talk to me eventually.”

“Actually no, I don’t.”

I continued walking down the bleachers, hoping off one seat to the next until I was at the bottom. When I looked up Aidan stood in front of me.

“I want to talk to you.”

“Well I don’t want to talk to you. Or didn’t you get that from talking to my friends and all the ignored phone calls and texts?”

“They’re my friends too.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.” I tried to push past him but he grabbed my arm and held me in place. I looked down at his hand and then up into his eyes. That deep down tickle I used to feel when looking at him came back with a traitorous intensity. I had to put so much effort into my voice when I said, “Let go of me.” My voice was oddly steady and cold.

He released my arm like I’d burned him. I continued to stare at him for a moment before starting off again.

“Are you coming tomorrow night?” he asked.

“Wasn’t invited.”

I put my ear bud back in and went straight home where I knew he couldn’t follow. I decided to climb the tree outside my window to avoid talking to my parents. I moved my iPod to the dock and OneRepublic’s Good Life filled the room.

I was in the middle of changing my shirt when someone started tapping on my window. I knew who it was without having to ask. I went over and pulled the curtain to the side. Aidan sat on the branch, feet dangling and hands clasped in his lap.

“What?” I said.

“I told you I wanted to talk to you.”

“And I told you I didn’t want to talk to you. Why can’t you just let it go?”

“I’m trying to fix things, Ana. You can at least give me a chance…”

“I don’t owe you jack shit, Aidan. Go away.”

I moved to let the curtain fall when his voice stopped me. “I’m sorry, Ana.”

I looked at him. “And that’s supposed to make it all better?”

“No. It’s not. I’m sure nothing I say will fix anything but I can try.”

“Look.” I sighed. “I think everything that needed to be said was left out in the open in New York. There’s nothing else to say. You don’t love me. You don’t want me. You’re finished with me. There’s nothing you can say that can balm that chapped skin.” I hoped he recognized that reference.

He sighed and looked down at his hands. “I’m sorry. For hurting you but you and I both know…”

“Oh shove it, Aidan. I’m tired of people doing things they think are the best for me. I’m a big girl. I control my own…well that’s technically not true. It’s my life. The parts of it that I can control I will.”

“I just want us to be friends again.”

“I don’t.”

“I miss you, Ana. I miss talking to you. I miss the easiness that came with just being around you. Why can’t we go back to that?”

I rested my elbows on the window sill and placed my head in my hands.

“Remember what I said to you before we started dating? I didn’t want to even try because it would completely ruin our friendship. I didn’t want to risk it. And do you remember what you said to me?”

His eyes were pleading with me. “Please don’t, Ana.”

“You said ‘What if we never break up?’ but guess what Aidan, we broke up. You played Russian roulette and you lost. We both lost. You got what you wanted. You blew me away. I’m gone. You can’t get me back. Not in any way, shape, or form.”

“That can’t be true. There has to be something I can do.”

I thought about it, giving him some false hope. It wasn’t like me to be cruel but I wanted to hurt him as much as he’d hurt me.

“There is. Leave me alone.”

I closed the curtain, blocking him out.

“I’m not giving up,” he called.

“Then you’re a fool,” I whispered, hoping Sister Hazel covered up my voice.

I went over to the nightstand and flipped off the light. I pulled off my pj bottoms and crawled into bed. I waited and prayed for sleep.

 ~ * ~

Music Selection: Jaded by Aerosmith, Let Her Cry by Hootie and the Blowfish, Good Life by One Republic, Change Your Mind by Sister Hazel.