Project Fat Suit

Twenty-Six: When the Going Gets Rough, Join Facebook

“What? No. You can’t leave me to do this by myself.”

“Sorry, I have other things to attend to,” I lied, feeling bad that I was leaving Sam in this process too.

“Like what?”

“You know . . . things. I have to go home and do homework and study for that test we have on Monday,” I made up, only partially lying. “Plus all you have to do after the soup is done is wait for Sam to wake up and get him to eat it. Then give him his medicine and hopefully he’ll go take another nap.”

“But . . .” Uranus—Trent tried, but I interrupted him because every second here was making me feel guiltier about leaving Sam.

“Tell Sam that I’m sorry that I couldn’t be here after he woke up and that my soup is made from love and it will cure him . . . eventually,” I said quickly while handing Ura—Trent the pot of soup and started walking to the front door.

“Wait, Re—”

“Okay, bye!” I shouted as I fast-walked to the front door and left as soon as I could, but not before replying, “Oh, if he’s running a temperature, put a cold, wet towel on his forehead to keep him cool!”   

Sorry Kurt, but this social butterfly has officially chopped off her wings and got thrown into the recycling bin, where she’ll be forgotten because everyone thinks she’s weird because she doesn’t have wings. . . it’s still morning.

:::x:::O:::x:::

“I don’t get it, Kurt,” I said for the billionth time later that afternoon. “What the hell is a poke? How do you even do that virtually?”

“Geez . . . I feel like I’m explaining this to Grandpa,” Kurt commented exasperated by my lack of exposure to social media.

Okay, technically joining a social media site breaks my vow of returning to my previous introverted-ness, but this was actually helping it . . . in a way. I’ll ‘friend’ everyone from school and be the most annoying person on their news feed. It’ll annoy everyone so much that they might start insulting me online, which overall helps my introverted-ness.

“Grandpa doesn’t even know what a laptop is, Kurt,” I defended myself. “The last time we saw him, he said that a laptop was a shirt for your lap in case it got cold.”

“Okay, since I’ve helped you sign up to Facebook, I’ll leave you at the mercy of the internet,” Kurt bade me goodbye and left me to myself.

As soon as he left, I quickly put my devious plan in action. Kurt didn’t need to know about this. He’d probably yell at me. After finding and ‘friending’ the popular people at my high school, I was able to ‘friend’ their friends and so on, only leaving out my brother, Holly, Liam, and Ur-Trent. I don’t know why so many of them decided to actually accept my friend request, but I wasn’t going to question it. Things were going according to plan.

I couldn’t help but get giddy when I saw my first notification notice. It had informed me that Olivia Harding had written on my wall or “timeline” as they called it now. Boy, this ought to be good.

“B*tch, u r going to pay for my hospital bills. Yah, u almst kled me”

I clicked on the ‘comment’ button and typed “0MGgggggg. I $0rweeez 4 d0ing tht 2 u. I hpe we can stll b friend$.”

I hoped that other people get annoyed at texting you can hardly read as much as I do. My next plan was to annoy the crap of everyone else. What else have I been hearing lately that annoys everyone? Something about ducks?

Oh right, the duck face.

I minimized the internet and clicked on the webcam button I had on my laptop. I made a face when I saw myself on the screen. Was that what I looked like all day? Eww gross, but it would serve its purpose right now.