Angela The Paradox #MemoirMonth

Little Bully

ANGELA THE PARADOX (May Is For Memoirs)

Please read at your own discretion. Names of the persons involved were replaced.

Little Bully

Scribbles, scribbles, my teacher did. The room was full of students bowed intently to their heads and from time to time, lifted their heads up to look at the board.

Our classroom would be dead quiet if it weren't for Timothy who nonstop sniffled beside me. He wiped his face flushed with tears and continued writing using color pencils. His gaze went to the blackboard then back to his notebook to finish copying today's lecture. I thought he could feel my gaze upon him but he never gave me a single glance. It was our Language subject and we were in our first grade.

I was beaming while copying the lecture. I gladly wrote every word in the board on my notebook. The tip of my pencil broke while I was in the middle of writing that's why I took the liberty to snatch Timothy’s. His notebooks were always scribbled with various colored writings. Yup, that's the reason why he was crying. Life is too short to sharpen my pencils that is why I'll just take my classmate's, I thought. I was mean like that.

It was always like that every day.

"Do you see that? What is that?" I whispered to my friends with disgust as I saw that awful marks on my classmate's belly.

We were in the audio-visual room for our activity and we're meant to watch a film in our 6th grade Science subject. Some of us were sitting while the others are lying down at the rubber mat. A few dim lights only illuminated the room; without those, this room will be so dark. We sprawled in front of the television as the film continued. That's just how we roll. Rica was one of the few students who chose to lie down that caused her uniform to crumple upwards and expose her stomach. "What's that thing on Rica's belly?"

Upon seeing what I've been pointing to, Lucy's face, my bestfriend, turned green. "I think I'm gonna puke."

My other classmates giggled as they said, "Rica has a stretchmark! Eew!" Throughout the whole period, we were just laughing and talking about my classmate's ugly marks, completely obnoxious about the film viewing.

As the period ended, the whole section went outside to retrieve our shoes in the cabinet since we were not allowed to wear those inside the audio-visual room. It was already time for lunch and we're all scrambling to our feet towards the cafeteria. My friends and I ate happily, entirely forgetting about Rica's marks. Next thing I knew, Lea was crying while she ate by herself at the farthest table in the cafeteria.

Lucy raised a brow. "Now, what is wrong with Lea this time, Angela? God. She is so unstable! I'm glad she isn't my friend." She shook her head as she rolled her eyes.

"What a weirdo." Jane said.

"I'm gonna go talk to her." I immediately stood up and made my way to Lea's table. As I neared the table, she looked up and instantly, her eyes widened, as if shocked to see me standing in front of her. She stopped eating and waited for me to speak. Her eyes were all but watery and her lips were pursed.

"Why are you crying, Lea?" I asked with an air of indifference. She's not my business so why would I bother asking her? How wrong you were. Everyone in this school is my business.

With my question, I'm guessing she was taken aback. She quickly bit her lip, took her handkerchief and wiped her eyes and cheeks in a harsh fashion. "I just got something in my eye. A dirt maybe. Or a twig."

"Don't kid around me like that, Lea."

"I, uhm," She hesitated but she eventually spilled it. "Why are you girls laughing at me in our Science period? What have I done wrong again, Angela?"

Was Lea serious? Was she that self-absorbed that she thought we were talking ill about her? No one liked her to the point where she didn't have any friends at all. No one would dare approach her. "We're not laughing at you! Do you seriously think we have the time to talk about you? Get lost."

I clicked my tongue and turned away from her swiftly. I just wasted several golden seconds from a person who was not worthy of my time. I pranced back to our table.

Shelby was crying in front of me. She was our section's muse. I transferred schools when I reached first year high school to experience a different atmosphere, different set of friends, and culture. I knew I wasn't beautiful and Shelby was. I admit she really was but the way she carried herself around pissed me off in myriad different levels. When our adviser told us that the election of officers would be held the next day, I found Shelby so prepped up. Like she was so ready to be the section's muse! Until the last day of the school year, I was still rolling my eyes at her. I wasn't alone in this loathing competition, the whole class totally disliked her.

"Angela, be my friend, please."

Since I was young, I was a certified bully and queen bee already. I led tiny groups of girls who shared the same thoughts I had. Most of the time, my opinions were all that mattered and they didn't bother to object.

The little bully in me grew stronger as we reached our third year. I transferred schools again. Don't get me wrong. I was not getting any violations, neither was I a high school dropout; I just loved switching schools and meeting new people. In fact, I am a very friendly person. I just turn out to be mean at people when they get beyond my nerves. Not really bullying but making fun of other people, aye?

One gloomy, rainy day, the clique I was into, found out that Krissa's boyfriend slept with Janna. How my friends found out was an entirely different and long story. Krissa and Janna were our friends and in fact, these two girls were the closest among the clique! They were very inseparable and I knew nothing could be more terrible than that.

The whole section found out about this thing too because you know, in high school, secrets were not secrets and these things spread like wildfire. Everyone was against Janna. She had zero friends. There were also vandals on our desks saying she’s some S-word or something and I had no idea who did those. All I did is post some significant Facebook posts that were evidently directed to Janna.

She had the worst of it. We held open forums wherein we were ought to tell our concerns to another people inside the forum. We always talked to her about the incident. She did nothing. She just cried and I don't even know if she apologized to Krissa. One time, we had an open forum again and we should be serious about it but when a snot escaped Janna's nose, everyone laughed so hard. It was funny and embarrassing but disgusting.

You see, I am a paradox myself. I am a conflicted contradiction. I just love the idea of friendship and the happiness it could give me but I keep on making enemies, just because I don't like the way they dress, the way they talk or the way they carry themselves around.

Two girls, namely Angelique and Apple, bullied me in when we’re on our first grade. I don't get why they hated me and the bullying thing was so foreign to me before that I didn't have any idea that I was already being bullied. Maybe that confusion and struggle to understand that matter in such a young age caused me to do the same stuff with other people.

Now, I am a bully no more. I have understood the core of it. I have learned in the past that I should be concerned of what others will feel if I say this and do that. I don't want to take hostages anymore for self-satisfaction. I don't want to bully others anymore just because I don't like them or just for the fun of it.

I have accepted the fact that if I do not appreciate anything, nothing will ever make me happy.