a detailed inquiry on the emotions inside of me

1

november 27, 2017

10:16pm- 11:24pm

my bed

i started out the day by going to school. ugh the literal hell hole. i can't want to leave next year. i have nobody to relate to anymore. two people.  i couldn't be more grateful for those two people, but every day is so lonely. i just feel alone. I'm scared when i don't have one of those two friends by my side. i feel like a weirdo. the girl nobody likes. the girl nobody can stand. the girl those two friends are anticipating her departure next year. 

once i left that school when the bell rings at 3 o'clock, its like as breathe of fresh air. i just wish i fit in somewhere, but i didn't. i fit in at li, that's the only place. i can't wait to get an education. have friends. play sports again. live with my friends. starting over. but it probably won't happen. I'm weird. ill probably have no friends. and ill be lonelier than ever. I'm so scared. i feel like a baby, and this is my last year living with my parents. what the fuck. what the fuck am i going to do? people make me sound like i think I'm queen shit. and guess what? i am. i am the queen of being a piece of shit. but whatever, i shouldn't be focussing on the future too much, what about now...?

well once i got home i danced around my house to kodak, big sean, and lil xan. dancing in my living room and rapping to my favorite song is honestly what I'm best at. i wish i was a great dancer and i could really drop fresh rhymes, but im just a nerdy little girl who writes and does math for fun. god im so weird. *laughs casually*it kinda sucked tho. i wish i had someone there with me to dance with me scream at the top of our lungs how much we love each other while simultaneously rapping more kodak. life isn't a god fore saken fairytale though, chica. all chica wants is love and she feels it, but guess what love is a fucking lie. i pretend its true, but NEWS FLASH!!! chica is in love. whoopdie fucking doo... another boy on the list that will end up breaking my heart. and on that note, after this one breaks my heart, i putting a bandage on my fucking mind. whats the point of continuing to find someone else when you're 100% positive he is "the one." whats the point when everyone thinks you're crazy for feeling that way. everyone thinks I'm a crazy fucking bitch. yea- "fuck" is probably my most frequently used word. just thinking about heartbreak makes me want to cry. it hurts worse than breaking your neck into a million different pieces. and from a fact i can tell you it hurt more than breaking my ribcage. im a pretty tought bitch ;)  i had so much heartbreak. holy shit. jesus fuck. i always fuck shit up because I'm a dumb cunt, honestly, lets admit it guys, i make dumb decisions. i was probs a dumb decision. soz moms and pops :(

speaking of may dumb decisions, can we talk about Dylan Dwyer for a sec. i LITERALLY and i cannot stress this enough LITERALLY hate him. also whit, hate that b too. literally both dumb cunts. honestly they can frig the fuck off because i wasted so much time on their stupid asses. and lemme tell you something. i am a boss ass fucking bitch. the fact they were both so full of themselves that they thought they could fuck me over and treat me like I'm a piece of shit, makes them look like the piece of shit. and honestly HONESTLY YOU CAN ALL EAT MY ASS EVERY FUCKING ONE OF MY EXES YOU'RE ALL DUMB BITCHES AND IF ANY YALL MISS ME I CAN COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHY. IM GREAT I KNOW. note to south to all my friends: yall gotta stop with your toxic relationships. getchu a lover like james. but don't if you're not expecting heartbreak and you cant handle it. you might be slightly or mildly, or severely suicidal. got i hope that doesn't happen to me. god i want a future with him so bad. but im so stupid to think that would actually happen. what boy would want to be with chica mendoza for the rest of his fucking precious ass life? NONE. 

anyways. holy fuck that was heated. i have been listening to eden, gnash, and blackbear all fucking night. goddamn. i need to brighten up. its kinda lonely round these parts. but i manage, im still living. im still okay. im still laughing. i still smile. and truth be told, i hear a lot of people are like me. weird. i guess you could say weird is normal? -rant over