because of you » a.i. [EDITING]

the end.

goodbye by avril lavigne

my eyes flutter open. where am i? it smells weird and i try to move but i can't. i hope i'm not alone because that would be the worse thing i could think of.

my mum. she's looking over at me, smiling as i open my eyes. my mum is here. that doesn't strike a good tune with me. why is she here? is she okay?

"her eyes are opening!" she nearly shouts, startling the doctor on my other side. i'm in a hospital? why am i in a hospital bed?

i can't speak. i can't even move. what's wrong with me?

"you were calling for someone in between consciousness." the doctor writes something on his clipboard and tucks his pen behind his ear afterwards.

"and, luckily, their tour has just finished." the doctor begins and then i know who he is talking about. ashton irwin. it has to be. "they came all the way from austrailia just to pay you a visit."

i'm dying.

my mum and the doctor exit the room, sooner than later they are replaced with him. i battle with my eyelids to keep them open.

"hi," he softly says as he sits down, grabbing my hand that's laying by my side in his. "you are a princess, babe. and i'm really sorry that you were daydreaming and then that... that all suddenly happened. you got hit right on and i really, really do not want you to die. and i know you're in love with me and want to marry me and all of that cool stuff."

"Ka--" he started but i interrupted with all of my will.

"Noelle," i squeaked and i'm surprised he even heard. "my name is Noelle."

"Noelle," he repeated. "one day i'll come and join you and we'll be married in heaven and we'll be happy. and i don't care if i'm already married." he placed a ring on my wedding finger and i wanted to cry. "see? we are married now." he placed one on his. "i don't care if there's no priest, Noelle. this is your dream and i made it true. i'll make you proud, okay?"

wait, how does he know i'm going to heaven before him?

he kissed my cheek and my forehead and he smiled before his tears touched my eyes as they fell. "i love you," he whispered in my ear and i chose to believe him. i didn't love him, not even a little bit - or so i told myself.

beeps were heard and my eyelids were closing. i couldn't fight anymore. i'm too weak for this. i had no idea what i was even fighting against. but i couldn't fight whatever it was albeit not knowing.

and then i come to my senses and realise that i love ashton with all of my heart even thought it feels impossible to love anyone like this. i'm in love with him. it feels pathetic but sadly true.

and then they closed. now there was nothing left for me to do apart from hope the doctors could work a miracle. god, i'm not asking for much.

the end.

- there's a sequel :)

this was kinda based on real events but not that much bc obviously i don't know anyone who died from walking in front of a car while daydreaming but whatever

this story means a lot to me and I thank everyone who read this. I am ecstatic that not one single person commented anything nasty or spiteful and you all respected the subject of the story!

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If you're struggling with any subject brought up within this story or a subject not brought up within this story, feel free to DM me. A lot of things written in this made me cry because they are all so personal. I started writing this in 2014, where I struggled with this tremendously, and have just edited a lot more detail and emotion into some chapters. It's 2017 now and the progression I have made is immense.

UPDATE: it's 2020 and i'm on anti depressants, i'm in a healthy and stable relationship, i'm feeling far more optimistic towards life and i've dyed my hair bright orange because why not. it does get better. if you aren't going to stay here for your family and friends, then stay here for yourself. you deserve to see yourself live to be the person you always knew you could become. i believe in you.

Thank you for standing by this story. Thank you for commenting and making me feel special and giddy. I feel blessed to be able to read comments and see the impact this story has had on many of you. For that, I am forever grateful. If you have time, or want to invest in this story a bit more, I will be continuing it in a sequel called 'Before I Wake Up'. Thank you. Go and check it out!