Finding Ruby Red

One.

It started when I was twelve. It took dealing with it for almost a year before I finally made the choice to take my life... I tired and ultimately failed. That's where it started, I was now under the diagnoses of depression and anxiety. I got better but then I got worst, seventeen and I rarely get out of the house, I spend my time writing. I could sit there for hours and write. But quite frequently I think about death. Whenever you go anywhere for your mental illness they will always give you a little quiz, things like 'Rate you're home life' or 'How upset are you'. My favourite question is 'Is there a time when you wanted to die?' Of course. I think everyone in their life at least once wishes they were dead. Death isn't a fearful thing, I never got people who wished they were immortal. We do things because we are scared of how much time we have and the essence of life fleeing scares us. We live to die and that's the only thing that's one hundred percent certain.

My mum believes I require further help, so she took me to my regular GP who also agreed that me sitting at home doing nothing was as she says "feeding the depression demon." She talked about placing me on meds and naturally my mother refused stating "If she's going to get better she is going to do it with out medication." So Dr Ivory instead suggested I go back to counselling and do group sessions. These group sessions included people who have drug use issues, alcohol issues and mental stability issues where we all sit around and talk about our feelings in a 'Happy circle'. The group sessions is just as depressing as the counselling sessions except in the group sessions I get to be depressed about other people's problems too, it commences every Thursday a day after my counselling. I realised the actual 'Leader' is extremely religious which is fine but he has a cross with Jesus on it and his eyes follow me around the room. The leaders name is Daniel, his the only one over the age of 20 in the room he talks of his story about how he found god after his run in with death after overdosing. So this is how it goes: about fifteen of us walk through the door, most of us avoid the beverage and food table and just sit in our 'Happy circle' and for the hundredth time listen to Daniel talk about his amazing survival story and the presence of god within our hearts. Then we introduce ourselves: Name, age, why we are here and how do we feel today. I'm Ruby, I'd say when they get to me. I'm 17, I'm here because my mum made me and I'm fine. Once we got around and did everyone Daniel always suggest someone to tell their 'story' and then began the circle of depression. Things like eating disorders, self harm, smoking habits, sex addiction sometimes it gets really weird and full on. The only real entertainment I get is this girl named Josie, A really thin girl who was in fact suffering from anorexia she was absolutely stunning though; blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes you knew from looking at her she would of been the type of girl guys fall to their knees for. But she didn't think so, that's why she went on her diet. We communicated through glances and smirks sometimes the bored sigh.

So mostly group sessions were not the highlight of my week, in fact I dreaded going, My sessions with my counsellor went okay, she wouldn't make me talk and sometimes we would sit there quietly and when we did talk it was about bands I liked and artist I wanted to see. It came to Wednesday night way to quickly then I wanted. Mum and I were on the couch watching re-runs of friends which we have watched almost ten times and it was up to my favourite season when Monica and Chandler get together.

"I have decided not to go to the group sessions." I said proudly while an ad came on TV.

"Well lucky you have no choice." she said without looking at me.

"Mum I just want to sit home and watch friends with you," I said. "Is that so bad?"

"Yes, you're sessions are during the day. Friends is on at night," She turned to me and smirked. "Good try though. You're efforts were great but ultimately unsuccessful."

"Urgh! Mum please. I can't sit in that room anymore while listening to complete strangers talk about their problems."

"Ruby, those people are also going through struggles. Maybe try getting to know some of them and make friends, You're a teenager. I want you to do normal teenage things."