sweaters - h.s

one

Eek first chapter! c: Unedited.

**

I don't even realise half the times that I'm making my way over to the same bridge in the middle of England. It was like a ritual now, almost automatic - whenever I felt depressed, wanted to let go of the feelings building up inside or numb myself, I went over to the bridge. It was something I discovered when I was driving through the city to get away from here. Instead, I saw this isolated and lonely place and decided I would be better off. 

I'm glad I didn't continue to drive and leave. Now, I have a little safe place that was just for me and I loved it. I could be alone with my thoughts, forget everyone, switch off my phone for a while and enjoy the overlooking view from the bridge. You could literally see the whole of England, well maybe not all but still a significant amount, from up here and I would just sit and admire the place. 

I won't lie and say I haven't thought of jumping a few times from here, straight into the ice cold dark blue water but something always stopped me. I wasn't brave enough to make the jump. I was convinced that life was going to get better, dad was going to return and Gemma would stop fucking up her life but it's been more than a month, and nothing has changed. So, I always end up here. No one knows my secret location and I don't want it to be found. I felt like I owned this place and if any of my mates ended up here, I would be pissed. Liam, Louis and the rest of the lads can find their own place. This was mine.

I parked my car on the side, not caring that it wasn't a parking space, and made my way over to the edge. I sat down, sighing as I huddled into my jacket. December wasn't the best time of the month in England, Holmes Chapel to be exact. It was cold, freezing rather and I preferred the summer. The winter always seemed to fit in with my mood, dull and unhappy and I hated it. I could relate to the weather better than some people.

I sighed as I pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up and taking a draw out of it, exhaling all the smoke that formed a cloud around me for a few seconds. This was my routine. Come here, smoke, drink and then go home and sleep. I was neglecting my sixth form work, I was messing up my friendships with everyone and I couldn't give any fucks. I wish I had a better way of dealing with my problems instead of turning to the only thing I knew best. I wish I could take a deep breath and understand what is going on, take a breather and forget everything and focus on myself but it's hard when the whole house is turmoil.

I wish I was strong enough to fix my mum's depression, help her up from the ground but I was being selfish and pushing everyone away to fix my own ache in my chest. I wish I could pause for a second, explain to Gemma how she's ruining her life by going out every night, sleeping with whoever she wants and returning home drunk but a part of me knew she wasn't going to listen. But that wasn't the reason that was stopping me from talking to her, it was me. I wanted to focus on myself even though I wasn't making any progress.

I bit the insides of my cheeks, pushing away the tears that were threatening to fall. I haven't cried since the day dad packed up his luggage and left the house, leaving us three broken behind, and I wasn't planning to cry after that. I was strong enough not to have liquid pouring down my face. I could smoke, drink, do drugs but there was no way I was going to waste tears on my dad.

He doesn't deserve it, and he never will. He was never a proper father figure, too self observed in his own success that it led to the point he actually left.

Who does that?

My father I guess.

I sighed, going back to my cigarette and avoiding any thoughts. I was tired of thinking, I didn't want to use my brain and I just wanted to forget everything else. I loved the peaceful sound of birds here, the grey clouds blocking out the sky and I realised, it was going to rain. I was wearing nothing except a black shirt, black skinny jeans with a small coat on top. I looked down to my chestnut brown boots, hoping the suede wouldn't get ruined by the rain. I wasn't prepared to buy another pair of these expensive shoes.