As a child. I always though that life would be very prolific and filled with happiness if I followed a path of assisting other. Recently, I realized that this was just a grand illusion; a façade. Life is unfair and no matter who you are or what you do, both good and bad, you are subservient to its random judgement. There is no discerning or clever way to overcome its jurisdiction. Hope, is the appellation of the object that keeps us fighting, but what do you do when hope is what debilitates and prevents you from healing? What do you do when it mars you from the inside to the point where you give up?
In the beginning of October 2017, one of my closest friends and I had go into a serious argument. An argument that obliterated both our friendship and lead me to take an ominous path. It was nearly one moth of constant fighting, in person and through social media. As the fighting grew ever more intense, I began to feel paltry; used, worthless. I couldn't bear the fact that I could be so helpful and kind, but get hurt by a person who I loved so much. I felt an acrid and sickening feeling inside me. I looked for many ways to abridge the pain and make it end. I tried to vilify her, by setting up a tenet that she is antipathetic and that she sought to bring me pain in every waking moment. It came to the point where indifference was parlance and common place for me. I became blasé about my physical and mental health as it began to wan as the days past.
Today, I am defunct. Tired from all the fighting and looking for ways to heal. I find myself constantly battling my desires to give up, ceasing the anguish I feel. Every day I drown myself in work, honing academic skills to distract what I feel on the inside and to better myself. What I feel towards my friend and this whole situation was hope. Hope that it would get better. Hope that one sided conversations would not be the liaison between me and her. Hope that one day this droll, sarcastic, humor of uncaringness and castigation of myself will end. I need to realize that I am not alone, and things will eventually get better. It just takes time.
