Brother

Brother

“Mikeyyyyy,” Gerard slurred. “Mikeyyy tell me one of our stories.”

“One of our stories Gee? Which one?” I worry about my brother, I’ve been clean for about a year but he's still in the thick of it. Nobody else hangs around to make sure he’s safe as he comes down from his raging highs so I have to do it. It hurts to see your older brother in a state like this but all I can think is that at least he’s still alive.

“Moikey pleeeeease, the one with the rain and the city and the concerts. The one you told me back in New Jersey.”

Gerard sometimes forgot that the stories I would tell him were actually memories from back when we were carefree teenagers going to concerts, getting high, singing at the top of our lungs before collapsing back into the drug filled anxiety mess of school and later uni.

“Which concert?”

“Bowie, you know I love that one,” he giggled childishly and smiled his crooked smile, eyes closing softly.

“Back in New Jersey we went to see David Bowie’s ‘Outside’ tour. The album had just come out and you were completely obsessed. We were at the PNC Bank Arts Center, where we would always go to see bands and it was filled to the brim with hot, clammy bodies. The stale smells of alcohol, sweat and cigarette smoke were prevalent from the crowds, however I don't think it was totally legal to have drugs there but nobody stopped us. We were down in the mosh pit, the lights were flashing different colours-” Before I could finish Gerard cut me off.

“Mikey, when I’m clean, will you take me to more concerts? Let me make memories rather than remembering stories that you've had to tell me because I was too high or intoxicated to remember.”

“Of course Gee, when I see you again I will take you to a concert.” I smiled and with a look of drunken contentment he replied.

“So tomorrow then?”

I smiled and nodded before he fell asleep.

Getting up I decided I would go, once Gerard was asleep I knew he wouldn’t get himself into any more trouble.

“Where is he, where’s Mikey”

“Calm down honey, it will be okay.” The operator tried to assure me.

“Where is he, where is my baby brother?” I was hysterical. I couldn’t remember anything other than asking Mikey if I could spend the night on his couch. I didn’t want to be alone, so I called Mikey and told him to pick me up from the bar and I asked if I could sleep at his house so I couldn’t do anything stupid.

“It will be okay I promise it will be okay. I need to tell you something… Mikey…”

“Will he be okay? Mikey? Where’s Mikey?” I knew his anxiety had been really bad and he didn’t want to take medication in fear of becoming addicted again.

“He killed himself, or at least that's what we believe.” This hit me worse than any relapse, any overdose. Mikey was dead, he killed himself.

“When! Where! What happened? You have to tell me!” I choked out through sobbs. My head was pounding as a result of a hangover and the pressure in my head from crying.

“This morning his body was found in the river and we believe he jumped however there is some evidence that points to the idea he was pushed as something to do with drug payment. This comes in the form of a note on the bridge, however we can't say for definite that it is linked.”

Without saying anything I hung up.

Mikey… I’ve lost him. And all because of my stupid addictions. My last fix cost Mikey his life and I was too high and desperate to know.

I like writing, I always have. I write songs. So now as tears fell down my face making my cheeks sticky and wet I went through the pockets of my coat until I found the small black notebook Mikey gave me a year ago.

Gee,

Write me something beautiful, I want to hear it one day

A fresh wave of tears ran down my face as I read his message, he never got that song. I was too busy wasting my time getting high.

Flipping to a blank page I began to write.

Remember when you and I would make things up?

So many nights, just take me down to the place we could hear them play

I miss that sound

'Cause now we don't sing so loud

To the drums of the city rain

I could remember it now, our last concert together. It was one that my friend Frank put on with his band. Of course I knew all the lyrics and so did Mikey so we sung at the top of our lungs, smiling and laughing when we got the words jumbled.

Like strangers laugh and like subways feel

Things I'm trying to break

I could hear people laughing together in the rain outside, I now have no one to laugh with or nothing to laugh about. I suddenly become very self conscious and alone. The plasters on my arm where Mikey had placed them over the holes from the needles. A few were peeling off and I desperately tried to stick them back down, anything to keep a part of him with me. I promised him I would get clean and if I achieved anything in my life, I was going to keep my promise.

One day I would go to a concert and remember everything that happened.