It's Fine

Chapter 1

Faye couldn't fall asleep, there were too many thoughts, too many things to worry about, too many things that could go wrong and mess everything up to even think about resting. That's how they found themselves sitting on the floor in the bathroom at 3:42 in the morning silently crying. Their mom was asleep, as well as their sister who thankfully had her own room finally after the move. Faye could hear their cat meowing outside the bathroom door, probably knowing that they were the only one awake at the moment and wanted attention from somebody. Faye didn't get up to open the door, they want to let their cat it, give them the care they want and deserve but they just can't stand up, not enough energy to even open their eyes.

You know that moment when you meet somebody and somehow you get it into your head that you'll be friends forever? Somehow, you let yourself believe you can trust somebody? Faye thought they were okay, thought they were getting by in the world, but everything started to come crashing down and they have absolutely no idea why. Things just went from sunshines and rainbows to shit for some unknown reason, just growing up and living as a human being seemed to trigger the demons in people, yelling, name calling, abuse.

It all started with Faye's sister, she's about 5 years younger than them. Growing up Faye absolutely adored her, and because her dad just up and left Faye had to help their mom with taking care of her, they didn't mind at all, glad to be of help and spend time with somebody. As they got older, Faye became more quiet and their sister became more cruel. Faye wish they knew where it came from, where the dark creature was lurking so they'd have the chance to keep them away from her before it had a chance to infect her with such cruel things. It was always verbal, never physical, always saying just the right things to make it all hurt and Faye couldn't do a single thing to stop it. Not only was her sister cruel but smart, she never did it in front of their mom, and Faye has always been too scared to say anything.

Next it became Faye's peers, they'd would call them names like stupid or worthless, and whenever a teacher wasn't looking they'd push them into stuff. Making sure it was something that would make it really hurt. The physical abuse would always leave marks, and Faye would always have to do their best to cover it all up so their mom wouldn't see it, wouldn't find out about it, wouldn't have to deal with her weak ass "daughter" getting beat up by everyone around them. Even with all the pain, Faye could take it, Faye could deal with it, it wasn't too bad, none of them really mattered.

Finally, the breaking point that made Faye realize just how cruel the world they lived in was. Their friends, the people they trusted, the people they cared about with their everything and thought would care for them no matter what. It was after they came out for the first time. It wasn't till recently that Faye knew anything about gender and sexuality, growing up they never heard anybody mention anything about being gay, straight, bi, transgender, agender or anything till recently when they just so happened to stumble upon something about it on youtube. It took a while to get through everything and even longer to realize some of it made sense to themself. After a bit Faye found something called pansexual, it made sense, in some ways it was saying that you liked someone and their sex or gender didn't really matter, though it still fent a bit off since Faye did feel that way they've never felt anything "sexual" towards anybody ever. Later, they found out about being asexuael and the entire spectrum of that, it was fascinating how so many people felt the same but still so different, and at the end of that day Faye felt comfortable with calling themselves panromantic asexual.

Now when it comes to gender, that was a whole 'nother thing, it was confusing, Faye usually never felt like she/her was a bad thing being used but at the same time finding out that people used they/them as a way of referring to a single person was nice, it was a general thing and made more space. It took a lot of looking around for this, found things that seemed fine but still off, that's when Faye found greygender, it pretty much meant I felt my gender was there but at the same time didn't. After thinking about it, Faye felt like it would fit nicely, they'd decided though that even if they liked they/them more they wouldn't tell their mom, because they weren't sure how she'd feel about it.

Faye thought it was a good idea to tell this to their friends, Faye trusts them enough with this information and didn't think anything could go wrong with this. At first nothing seemed wrong, when Faye told them they didn't give that much of a reaction, seemed a little surprised but it didn't seem like they cared much, until Faye realized that they slowey were starting to distance themselves from them. It took a while to notice, no more coming over to their houses, no more hanging out after school, no more hanging out in class or sitting together at lunch. The moment Faye realized they fucked up was the moment they found out that everybody knew about what they told their friends, somehow they knew about everything they never wanted anyone to find out ever in fear of exactly what was happening now. The words were harsher, the pushing and punches were more aggressive, throughout the day it started to get harder to hide everything they were doing, the teachers saw but they didn't do a damn thing. Faye tried to find one of their "friends" to ask what was going on. The confrontation didn't go well, they admitted to telling the entire school about what they said and then they did the exact thing they've been dealing with from everyone else. It was the friend Faye felt the closest to, the one they felt the most trusting towards, the one they thought would be there for them till the bitter end was kicking them over and over curled up in a ball on the ground outside in the back of the school.

Faye didn't want to let their mom know of what happened, but even if they were able to get home it would be extremely hard to hide everything. They never got up, after their "friends" left they just layed there for the rest of the day and no one went to look for them. It wasn't till way later in the day that someone found Faye, it was their mom, because Faye didn't come home at all and wasn't picking up any of her calls she got worried and called the school, they said they weren't there so their mom went to the school to personally look herself to see if Faye was there, which is how she found them almost dead in the back of the school alone.

That was a couple months ago, since then Faye has been in the hospital for a while because of all the beating they took. They weren't in the hospital for long, and after they left, Faye moved to a different state, their mom thought if they had a new start things would be better and the new kids wouldn't be so mean. Faye doesn't want to go to school, they don't want to go to somewhere they've never been before and be judged be a whole bunch of people they've never met before. School starts in a few hours and Faye doesn't know what to do, all they can do for now is cry on the bathroom floor until they pass out from exhaustion while their cat is still outside the bathroom door meowing for Faye's attention.