Isolated

Chapter 10.

Trigger Warning - Mention of suicide. Sorry these recent chapters have touched on triggering subjects but currently there is a focus on Andies past and why she is how she is.

It had almost been a week since I went into the backyard with Effy. I hadn't been back out there since, and I felt confused and conflicted about it. The thing is, I really wanted to go out there and soak up the sun, but I was back at square one -- I couldn't. It sucked in many ways, the worst being that now everyone knew I'd made it outside into an enclosed space they were pressuring me to go out the front door more often than usual. I blamed this sudden heap of pressure for the reason I'd reverted back to square one, everyone started expecting so much more from me so I shyed away and disappeared back into the darkness, hypothetically and literally.

My curtains were shut, blocking out the sun and my sunflowers. I was huddled in a heap in my bed, completely still and silent just staring directly at the hidden window. My door was shut, and I could hear Albany scratching at the door wanting to enter but I had no motivation to get up and let him in. It was one of those days.

With the little motivation I could muster up, I reached out and collected my phone from my bedside table, switching it on only briefly enough to catch the time. 4:49 PM. Not once had I left my bundle of blankets today, not since eight am when I went to the bathroom to pee. I hadn't eaten, drunk anything, nor had I even used any of my devices for longer than five minutes. I had done absolutely nothing but stare at the curtains all day, I couldn't bring myself to anything else. Even taking a nap was out of the picture, it being too much effort to close my eyes and force myself into sleep, so I'd been left alone with simply my thoughts for eight hours.

Mum and Dad were due to arrive within the next hour, having finished work for the evening. They'd force me out of my safe haven to have dinner with them, although the thought of eating only made me feel sick. I just wasn't hungry.

Depression was something I'd never officially diagnosed with, it was just something that came side-by-side with anxiety. Just like how paranoia came side-by-side with social anxiety. I just had this mixture of mental illness sitting in my brain, because one seemed to always trigger another. Whilst I'd been officially suffering non-stop with social anxiety and paranoia for 10 years and anxiety for 12, depression was more inconsistent. It came in short bursts over long periods of time, and it was quite rare to happen. Dr. Luther had once told me that because of my positive outlook on life, despite my struggles the 'happy' chemicals tended to outweigh the 'not so happy' chemicals, therefore depression not being a big aspect of my life. But when the 'not so happy' chemicals took over, they took over hard. It hit me like a brick hitting a window, completely shattering me inside and out.

I hadn't cried yet, I wanted to, but it was too much effort. I felt sad, and empty and so lonely, I was so lonely. I found my thoughts constantly reminding me that I had little to no friends, no one to talk to in the times like this. Rian was there for me, but I felt like such a burden all the time, so in my sad bursts I left him alone, ignoring his text messages and his calls.

My head tilted as my phone lit up and started vibrating across the table. I tried to glance at it without moving from my laying position but I couldn't, whoever it was would understand, talking on the phone wasn't exactly my favourite thing to do. If it was important they could leave a text, and I'd check it next week when I was feeling up to it. The vibration ended with the call and I sighed, waiting for the short, sharp buzz to indicate a text coming through. But it didn't, instead my phone started violently shaking again. I had two options; lay here and listen to the irritating buzzing for however long anonymous caller kept ringing, or check who was calling and send them a text saying 'not now'.

It felt like I was climbing a mountain as I reached out for my phone, the simple task knocking the small amount of energy out of my system, so much so I nearly couldn't hold my phone without wanting to collapse.