Saving Grace (Completed)

Love and Hate

Mia comes running. She heard the scream. I can't imagine anyone in Seoul not hearing it.
"My God Grace! What happened?!"
She drops to the floor next to me and takes my hands. My right hand is still clutching my phone. I am trembling so hard my teeth are clacking together.
My glassed over eyes look into her anxious face.
"M-m-my dad...he's...he's dead."
She wraps her arms around me and rubs my back.
"What happened honey?"
"The son of a bitch killed himself."
She jumps a little at the acid in my voice. Pulling back she looks into my eyes.
"Grace...you don't have to tell me, but do you want to talk about it?"
I give a laugh that must have sounded like I belong in the looney bin. She jumps again then slowly helps me to my feet.

She leads me to my room and tucks me in like a child. She removes my shoes, throws back the blankets, picks up my feet, and swivels me into the bed. She tucks the blankets around me, and even kisses my forehead. She takes my phone and dials HyoRin. I hear her saying as she leaves, "Rin...yeah it's Mia. Listen, something terrible has happened," She pulls the door closed and I hear no more.

The shock is to much. I can't contain. My mind goes blank. The only thing I can think of is I'm still in my clothes from my date. I can't bring myself to care.
I slip into a catatonic sleep.

My dad is standing on a cliff. His back is to me. I call out to him as he turns to me slowly. He faces me and puts his hands out to the side. I see the gleam off of the knife in his hand. My eyes widen and I rush forward. Before I can reach him, he places the knife at his throat and slices. Grabbing his throat, he falls backward into the sea. Right as I get there, our fingers brush and he's gone.

I wake myself with my screaming. I sit bolt upright, shaking, as Mia, Rin, YB, and JiYong bust into my room.
I look around as Mia crushes me to her.
"W-what are you all doing here?"
Mia gets up and stands by me holding my hand. JiYong steps forward and climbs up on the bed sitting beside me. His back is pressed against my headboard as he pulls me toward him. He lays my head on his chest.
"We heard about your dad. We're here for you Grace. We always will be."
YB sits in front of me and Rin sits beside him. Mia climbs up on a little leftover space on the bed. It looks like the saddest slumber party ever.

I sniffle. They don't know how he was. They don't know that I both love and hate my father. They all have great families. I break down. JiYong rubs my back until I gather myself and sit up.

"You guys don't understand."
Then...I just unload.
I tell them anything and everything. Anything I can remember. Everything I can think of. Every incident. Every dream. EVERYTHING. They are totally silent. When I'm finally drained, I look up.

Every single one of them is crying. YB and Rin are leaning on each other. Mia looks like she is going to run out of the room. JiYong had his knees to his chest with his head on his knees. I feel guilty now for even saying a word. They don't need my baggage. They have their own lives.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed my burdens on you all."

They all snap their heads up to look at me.
YB almost snarls, "You're sorry?! You're ours, and we find out you went through years of HELL! There is nothing for YOU to be sorry for. YOU have done nothing wrong."
He grabs me into a crushing hug. Everyone else joins in. I'm completely covered by people loving me. Everyone breaks away, and YB puts a hand on each side of my face.
"You aren't alone anymore Grace. We're your family now."

JiYong takes my hand, and pulls me toward him again. His tears running down onto my face. He closes his eyes, and just rocks me gently.

Everyone else leaves the room, giving us privacy. I just enjoy having JiYong's arms around me. He strokes my hair and laces his free hand with mine, putting it over his heart.
"Do you feel that?"
"What?"
"Do you feel my heart? It's breaking for you right now. I wish there was something I could do. Anything to take your pain away."
I look up at him and kiss him softly.
"I'm strong, and I've dealt with this for years. There is one thing I would like though."
He hmmms in reply.
"Could you sing to me?"
He kisses my hair, "Of course."
He softly sings Stay With Me.
I drift off again to his voice. This time I don't dream. This time I'm peaceful.

I go to work the next day. My new family freaks out. Telling me I don't have to go. That I've been through to much. I need this though. Throwing myself into music has always gotten me through. I embrace the beats, the melodies, the voices, it's my anchor.

As soon as YB sees me he takes my hand and leads me to an empty recording space.
"I've been worried for you all night."
"YB I'm going to be alright. I promise."
He sighs, "You don't look alright."
"Gee thanks."
"Anyway, I have a song I want you to hear. I know you told us that you grew up in church and stuff. Well, I still pray, and I prayed for you all morning."
I cringe a bit.
"Hear me out Grace. Just listen to this song for me. Music speaks when nobody else knows what to say."

He turns on a song......

If you've been walking the same old road for miles and miles.
If you've been hearing the same old voice tell the same old lies.
If you've been trying to heal the same old hurt inside.
There's a better life.
There's a better life.
If you've got pain.
He's a pain taker.
If you feel lost.
He's a way maker.
If you need healing
Saving
He's a prison shaking savior.
If you've got chains.
He's a chain breaker..............
(Chain Breaker by Zach Williams)

He lets the song play and I keep my face a blank. I knew he had a reputation for being religious. That was the only worry I had about working with him. God was never there for me. I begged him for help until I stopped asking. Now, here's a dear friend, asking me to pray again. To a God I'm not sure I even believe in anymore.

"YB...I appreciate what you're trying to do. I truly love you for it. You're my brother in spirit if not in flesh. However, don't ask me to talk to a God that turned his back on me over,and over,and over. Ok?"

He sighs and pushes his hand through his hair.
"Arasso...I just wanted to help."
I smile at him and take his hand to help him up from his chair. When he stands up I hug him tight.
"Thank you YB. You are the best big brother I could've ever asked for."

We finished our day at work. I pull out my laptop to make flight reservations for Tennessee. Mia, and pretty much everyone else, offered to go with me, but this is something I have to do on my own.

Two days pass with everyone, especially JiYong, checking in on me constantly. I can't help but be a little relieved to find out they are all busy and can't take me to the airport when I fly out. They all blow up my phone that day anyway. Wishing me well, asking me to return quickly.

It takes forever to get to Knoxville. I forgot how much I love Knoxville. Surrounded by mountains, nice and cool, big sun sphere in the sky. I  make my way to my mother's. I know she's going to be a mess. Dad is all she's ever known.

She opens the door and her breath hitches.
"Gracie," the tears start falling.
"Hi Momma."
We hold each other for a bit and she welcomes me home. She pours us each a cup of coffee, and we sit in an awkward silence. I clear my throat, not sure where to start.

"Mom...What happened?"
She looks into her coffee cup.
"He just had enough I suppose. His memories, his guilt, his everything."
I let out a sigh, "Why now?"
She shrugs and the tears roll down her cheeks.
"It was just to much. He never got over what his step dad did to him. Even after we found out he was dead. He never got over what he did to you either."
I give a sarcastic laugh, "That's funny cause neither have I."
"Grace...please. I'm sorry. I really am. I should've done something, but he's gone. He even did it to himself. Do we have to pick this wound?"
I look her in the eye. I see a broken woman who was married to the same man since she was sixteen. She's been through allot, and so have I. Do I really need to put this broken soul, my own mother, through the ringer?
No. No I don't.

I can't help but think as I look into the eyes of the most broken person I've ever known, how can I love and hate the same person at the same time.