Rewind

13

I think life gets a kick from messing with people, because Jace started talking to me again. He said we could be friends. Friends? He knew I still had feelings for him but yet he told me he was seeing someone. I was hurt. It was dumb, but he was being cruel. Trying to rub it in my face that I had been a bitch when I already knew I had been. Still trying to remind me of how I'd hurt him because he wanted to hurt me back. How messed up is that? Sure we could be friends but he wouldn't stop asking me questions about my personal life. Was I seeing a new guy now? How was that his  business? If it had genuine curiousity maybe I wouldn't have been bothered. Did he want to tie me down forever as punishment even when I'd apologised and he'd obviously 'moved on'?

'Maybe he's just lying about the new girlfriend and still wants you back.' I never did see his new woman.

We tried to be friends and it wasn't going to work. It was never going to work. We were both bitter and we were pretending we could talk civilly. We'd say spiteful things to each other casually and would stop talking but would always come back to try again. Just like when we'd been dating. Even after we'd broken up, it seemed like I was tied to the same toxic routine. We stopped talking when I couldn't stand it anymore. I had decided that would be the end of him in my life.

A month later he texted me –why hadn't I blocked him? –and tried hitting on me. I was absolutely shocked to say the least. Didn't he say he had a girlfriend? Was I supposed to be a rebound if he'd lost her? Was I cheap? Didn't I tell him we couldn't talk anymore? He acted like none of that had happened. I ignored him and he stopped. Then a few weeks later he called me and apologized. I wasn't mad at him anymore. That was the point I had decided I wouldn't be keep holding on to the past. It wasn't worth it. Then he said he wanted to start over. I laughed and I'm laughing now.

What he didn't know was that while we were going off and on with our 'friendship', there had been other guys in my life. They were the ones who really ruined me, to be honest. With Jace everything was new. We were committed; toxic or not. But with these other guys, it was a different ball game. They taught me different things about love though. The difference between love and a lot of other things. The difference between love and attraction, love and lust, love and obsession, love and loyalty, love and whiling away time. I don't even know whether love is really a thing right now. I see people in happy committed relationships and I wonder if I'll ever get that again. Maybe I'm beyond redemption now after so many mistakes with so many guys. I think I've become too cautious. Second guessing every word, gesture, promise. Everything. I don't think I really trust anything anyone says they have to offer me anymore. The only thing I can really say is real is friendship but even that is another heartbreak of its own.

Jace wanted us to start over, get back together. I was cynical. I was the cynical one now. Maybe I was already too broken to hope in second chances and in love. Or maybe I'd become too smart to fall into the same pit twice. I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship. He had been mad. I was surprised. Why would he be mad if I said I wasn't looking for a relationship? Wasn't that my choice?

'Why are you still talking to that creep?' Irene had been indignant when I told her about it.

'Block him, cut him off totally. Don't ever bring him up again. He is bad news, Catelyn.' She had scolded.

I think I needed the extra push. That was when I finally did it. I cut him off entirely. He shouldn't pop into my life anymore now. I won't be the one going after him or any other guy who doesn't deserve me.