This isn't a love story or anything close. No. This is my closure. This is me flipping through the used up pages of my life hoping to find a fresh page where I can start again by going through the used up ones.
This is me pushing the reset button...
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I don't quite remember how I met them but it must have been funny. Soledad, Dante, Kaylin and I were inseparable during my first days at Uni. It was like a match meant to be. For someone as socially awkward as me who had just graduated from an all-girls boarding school they made me feel welcomed and I could be myself with them.
Soledad and Dante had a thing going on before I'd met either of them. The tension between them was almost palpable whenever we hung out. Dante and I had an easy friendship. He and I just clicked. Sometimes, I think it's because we're both African-American, but then again I don't think it was just based on race.
Dante took me under his wing and taught me things I didn't know –things he could teach me. How to cope in Uni for example and where to go and how to socialise. He wasn't a social bee. He was just like me –awkward on some level. I think I found comfort in that. Sharing an understanding of what it feels like to be 'blacks' and basking in the fact that someone else got it too.
Soledad was a cute brunette half Spanish, half British girl with an easy smile and was so full of life all the time. Never a dull moment with her. She was the youngest of our misfit group. She'd take us places, we'd meet new people and get involved in all sorts of drama –as much drama as University students can possibly get. She intimidated me at first, for some reason I did not know. Although she was always seemed to be happy, there were times her mask slipped and I caught a glimpse of something else. I don't think she ever really got over what she had with Dante at the time, although she made efforts to hide it.
Then there was Kaylin. Kaylin was a lot of things but most of all she was my friend. Kaylin talked to a lot of guys. She might have had a reputation but I never heard of it until later. Maybe I heard but did not really listen. Kaylin was easy to talk to, yes. We talked a lot and mostly because of the guys in her life. I was her support beam I'd like to think.
She'd tell me how badly they'd treated her and how she still loved them even after all they'd done. That couldn't have been healthy. I always told her to forget those guys if they weren't doing any good for her. I had never been in love with anyone. I had never had a relationship. I was advising based on the textbook knowledge I had of relationships and not from the experience. She always liked to listen to what I had to say though. I think I was her voice of reason. Her anchor sometimes. Even though she'd go back to getting her heart trampled. She could always have come back to me and I'd let her cry on my shoulder.
I don't know at what point it happened, but later on I realised I had loved Kaylin. Not just as a friend but as something more. Sometimes I had wondered why she wouldn't just drop those douche bags and go for someone who would treat her better. Now I realise I had thought I could have treated her better. I didn't know what these feelings were and I did not act on them. I think I told her I loved her once. She said thank you with the prettiest smile ever. She didn't think I meant it any other way but as a friend and so I didn't think otherwise either.
