I Love Black

#1 (Introduction)

   
I just want to put a trigger warning this story involves talk about mental illness, addiction, self harm and graphic language. Please take that into consideration before reading. Thank you

 Hi,my name is Violet Hope and I love black... black black all fucking black. I am so fucking mad at this world I hate society,I hate people, I hate the fucking world I hate myself I hate everyone andeverything.... 

   Okay what am I doing I have lost my shit officially, I stop writing, throw this stupid diary on the floor and toss myself onto the bed, I silently cry into my pillow. I feel like my entire life has just turned into a big mess, well its always been a mess. Maybe I'm just having a bad day... or a bad few weeks... or well a bad life, I should try to turn it around, my head was at 100 but somehow I fell asleep through all of that bullshit.

   I wake up to my dad, he's yelling again, I don't know what it is this time but I know it's not good, I grab my phone and look at the time its 6:00 AM. I don't have to wake up until 7:00 AM. I can't fall back asleep, my stomach hurts, the hunger pains make me want to puke, the last time I ate was about 24 hours ago. I decide to just try to ignore it 

   I get up and get my makeup bag and a small mirror that is sitting on my desk, I sit down on my bed and start applying foundation and I create a dark look on my eyes I contour my face as much as possible, I want to look skinny, I top that off with some black lipstick. I don't know how to keep myself from crying in this moment

   I look at myself in the mirror, I am so broken, ugly, disgusting, worthless. I have to find a way to stop myself, I walk over to my drawer and move some clothes to the side revealing a small black box, I open it and in there are a few razorblades along with some napkins and band-aids. I knew this would calm me down, I grab a razorblade and push it down to my skin and drag it across my wrist. A few more cuts would help me through the day. My arms are covered with both old and new scars, this has been one of my ways to escape from my problems. I feel the rush through my body from head to toe, that release, that incredible fucking release, I take deep breaths as a few blood drops fall to the floor. I grab a napkin clean up the blood on the floor and wipe most of the blood away from my arm as much as I could, then I put a few band-aids on. I look at my phone to check the time it's 7:10 AM. 

   I get my stuff ready grab a bottle of vodka from under my bed along with a pack of cigarettes, I run out. I light my cigarette I feel the nicotine rush through my body, most of my life sucks but moments like these are keeping me going, I'm walking to school, once I see it from a distance I grab my bottle of vodka and chug a bit of it, the only way I can survive this hell is if I'm drunk or high. I walk to the school and sit down, I patiently wait for Cassie

   Cassie is my best friend, has been since like 4th grade, people think she treats me badly but she is the best I've had plus it's not like anyone cares about me or how I feel, not even Cassie. I'm alone in this life and I always will be. I guess that's just how it was meant to be. Cassie sometimes hits me and threatens me, but I know I deserve it, and at least she protects me, people don't like me cuz I'm different. I don't like the normal music or dress normally and I have a lot of problems. Cassie is very helpful though, she reminds me not to eat so I can be skinny and pretty like the girls on TV.

   "Sup bitch" I snap out of my thoughts and look up, Cassie is standing there "hey" I murmured

-dude you okay, you look dead.
-Not really, I'm starting to feel tipsy just had a bit to drink before school and I feel hungry as fuck, I reply
-You are probs gonna be fine, don't stress about it okay, anyway on to important things unlike you, so pretty much I found a dude who is willing to pay good money for you to blow him, we don't have any money and we need to buy something to get us high or drunk plus it's not like this is your first time you little fucking slut, Cassie says
-I... I don't know, look trust me I want that money and I want to numb myself down but I've been doing shit like this for us for so long, I am really tired of it to be honest.
-If you don't get us that fucking money I will I will beat the shit out of you. Cassie gives me a disgusting look, then she slaps me, it hurt like hell but I was kind of used to it. Anyway I gotta run Cassie said. She gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and walks away.

   I had to go to math class, I hate math, it sucks. I swear I didn't hear a single word the tearcher said, I just kept thinking about the previous events regarding Cassie and what I would have to do later that day. I guess it wasn't the worst thing that could happen, I was kind of used to being hurt and used by people and giving myself to people sexually, I had gotten abused and raped and it still kept happening, anyway I have lost all my dignity. I decide to stop thinking about this, I mean I should be used to it, this isn't my first time and perhaps I would get some of the good stuff that I really need more than ever at this point in my life.

             (Thank you so much for reading chapter 1 hope you have enjoyed it. Hopefully the next one will  be out soon)