Pre-Change

The boy left home at 8:06 am.
As he strode up the hill to where his suburban street intersected the main road, he wondered why he made this ten minute journey every weekday. The lanky adolescent knew the destination, but it didn't mean he liked it. In fact, most of the 1200 attendees were forced to go, supposedly to assist in their future. The rise was only four standard house-widths away from his house, and the angle was gradual until the last three or four paces.

Finally, he reached Venture Street. Cars rushed by every few seconds, making a whoosh-ing as they sped up after each 50-metre interval speed bump. Smith Street and the uneven mound wouldn't see his face –or his feet - again until the afternoon. Having gotten to the top, the blonde teenager only needed to turn right, go straight along the flat peak of this smaller hill, then right again at the second transecting street (also called Patient Street), then walk for a bit to get to the bus stop.

He hated having to remember the path, even though he should have nailed it by now, being his fourth year and all. The excuse he'd made is his mind had been consumed by the longest break of the year, mainly doing nothing at home. His mind wandered from the short-term memory loss issue to more important matters, like...

He still had to continue reminding himself he liked a girl, yet it never become more believable. Reminiscing in the past, he recalls thinking girls as annoying slightly-slimmer humans with feminine facial features. However, it was the total opposite, especially when he got these... these raisings like that monkey shaman did to Simba in The Lion King, but a great deal more frequent. But he constantly saw his crush as other people, and thought about her a lot, like (he actually gave another analogy here...very inappropriate for all audiences). But whenever he saw her and thought about talking to her, he would either be scared he would say something wrong and mess it up, or have to use a huge amount of willpower to even walk up. Usually the former. The teen slumped his shoulders as he realised it was pointless thinking about her when he knew he would never get her...too good for him, or so he thought.

By now, he had reached the first dissecting road. After looking both ways, he crossed and got back into deep thought again. He considered his second issue. The one where he left everything to the last minute, the one where he could have done something productive instead of watching Youtube videos. Attempting to consistently keep the promise he would break the habit at the start of every year, he knew it was an empty New Year's Resolution. Whilst embracing the negativity of the situation, he felt the procrastination, the temptation creeping back into his brain, while the productiveness and contentedness about his work life leaked out. Before he even had any assignments...he thought it was ridiculous. Idiotic. Plain stupid. Another reason he knew he couldn't get...He broke off the train of thought, knowing it was another one filled with pity, regret and anger.

On top of all that, he was having several falling outs with friends. He counted how many broken friendships he had...two, in just a few weeks. The boy recalled how he had never had this happen in previous years, friends had always gone away, or everyone moved up to high school from primary and no one kept in touch. But...breaking a long-term friendship, even though they both saw each other everyday? And the other friendship ended in essay-long text messages.  Looking outside in, he was horrified. What had he come? Had he changed? What made him dislikable? All these questions...and it felt like he didn't have anyone. If he told someone new, he figured they'd see him in a new light and distance themselves from him...Why do you burden me with this? Why have you never told me before? Why have you hidden your secrets from everyone? Why? Why? WHY?

He couldn't answer these questions. He couldn't tell another person. He just wanted to be rid of the pain, tell someone now, but then he'd just be sharing the weight with them. He didn't want someone else to feel pain. But then how would he help himself? Don't other people have their pains they need to share, so why not start that cycle? What makes me want to trust you with my dark secrets? He didn't know. He thought he didn't deserve that intimacy anymore. He'd already lashed out at someone when they told him about their partner - they made clear soon after they never would again. Why did he do it? Jealousy? Sadness, wearing a mask of anger? The thought he would never that? Why would anyone ever love him like that? He couldn't be. He wasn't academically smart - he was in General Mathematics. He liked writing fiction - but he considered himself not very good, and what would that bring him in the world anyways? He was just a typical person. Didn't stand out from the crowd. Looked and acted the same as everyone else - as introverted and closed-in. 

Why...I didn't...I couldn't...How...What the...all the beginnings to questions and statements he had from his inner turmoil, drifting off into the darkness. Never to answered. Always to shine out like a flashlight and stick, no matter how hard he tried to be rid of them.

Again - didn't everyone have these issues? They just hid them behind a thick security of in-security, that only one can breach by spending time with the individual. And what about...

Suddenly, he realised how deep he'd gotten. Mentally pulling himself out of the Wallows of Self-Pity, he forced all negative thoughts away about his life and himself. Why can't you be like them? What's wrong with you? You're useless. Questions he only ever asked himself...things he thought others thought about him, but wouldn't dare say...

Finally out of the rabbit hole, he reached the Plains of Normality. He felt relieved, uplifted, if only for a few brief moments inside himself. At that moment...

The somewhat reluctant teenager knew what he was going to do.

Before he knew it, he was on the bus, having turned right along the path and gotten onto his transport automatically. Same walk as usual, but with a different mindset. Filled with anger, determination, confidence  self-pity. He was going to change. For the benefit of his little world, and everyone in it.

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