Trade Mistakes//RYDEN

Trade Mistakes.

I'm holding my beautiful wife in my arms as she's drifting off into a peaceful slumber. The dogs are at the foot of the bed, huddling together. 

I lie awake in the darkness once again, alone with my thoughts.

This won't be good.

I watch my wife's chest rise and fall. 

I have a beautiful wife.

I love my wife.

Trust me I do love her.

She's the sun to my moon.

She isn't the sun to my moon, Ryan Ross is.

I remember writing a song called Trade Mistakes with Spencer, Dallon, and Pete.

It was about how I would trade my mistakes for sheep...

Well you know what I mean.

I would trade marrying Sarah for sheep.

I would trade leaving Ryan for sheep.

I have a breathe taking wife, why am I missing a stupid ex at four in the morning?

The answer is I have no idea.

I want to call him, I do.

The last time I saw him was at that Halloween party.

Man, I really want to talk to him. I want to feel him. 

I miss him.

Why am I not happy that he is happy?

He's still burning bright...

God I'm reciting that stupid song again.

I wish I hadn't made the mistakes I had made.

I wish that I could have saved him.

But I didn't.

I can't trade all my mistakes for sheep...

I have to fix my mistakes.

I love my wife...

But I also love Ryan.

I guess that's why he left me...

I couldn't chose.

I only have my memories.

I can remember gracing my hand against his cheek.

Or his smile.

His smile when we performed.

His smile when we one those awards.

I don't understand why I feel guilty thinking about him.

Is this cheating?

Is this another mistake?

Think about him?

He wanted to be with me.

He really did. 

But he couldn't be with me.

It was not possible...

I wish I can trade my mistakes for sheep.

So they fade away.

But that isn't reality, kids.

So don't make mistakes-

"Brendon..." Sarah says in a groggy voice. "You're still up?"

"Yeah..." I state. I say it as if my mom caught me up after bedtime. Sarah positions herself on one elbow and looks at me in the dark. I know I can't see her, but I feel her sharp eyes on me. She pecks my lips.

"Try to get some rest." She says, yawning. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

I love my wife. 

She's the perfect wife and I still love her no matter what.

I love her.

I love her.

But I also love Ryan.

Which is a mistake.

Would I rather be with Ryan over her?

Yes and no.

Would i rather be with Sarah over him?

Yes and no.

I guess that's my mistake...

Not being able to chose even after all this time.

I place a kiss on Sarah's neck. I hug her from behind and I shut my eyes.

I see Ryan. All the shows we've performed together. Us on tour. 

Then I see Sarah. How beautiful she looked down the aisle in her white dress.

I love Sarah.

But I also love Ryan.

I guess that's it. 

There isn't an ending.

So, in conclusion, brain.

I, Brendon Boyd Urie

Cannot trade my mistakes for sheep.

And my mistakes will never fade away.