Six Times Yassen Tries to Kill Ian and One Time He Succeeds (and other stories)

Six Times Yassen Tries to Kill Ian and One Time He Succeeds

Ian looked sharply at him. "You shot them," he said.

"No," said Yassen. "I couldn't handle a scoop." He pulled the window shut behind him, and started rifling through the nearest cupboard in distaste. "They found ice-cream in the sink. That's why they fired me."

"Right," said Ian.

Yassen pulled a face. "Why do you keep boot polish in the same cupboard as sardines?" He paused. "Never mind."

"Still trying to kill me?" asked Ian, picking up the cheese again, and strumming it lightly along the grater so that a few curls of cheese fell into the bowl beneath.

"Mm," said Yassen. He opened the fridge.

"..."

"Maybe," said Yassen. He closed the fridge.

"..."

"Possibly," said Yassen. He looked over at the cheese.

"..."

"Probably," said Yassen, and stole a piece. "Have you got a deep fat fryer?"

"What?" said Ian. He looked startled.

"For chips," said Yassen.

"I know 'for chips'," said Ian. "I just wondered why you thought we had one."

"Well," said Yassen, "you are a bit difficult to shop fo-"

"It's January!" interrupted Ian. "And, anyway, the last present you got me was crime scene evidence you'd wanted to get rid of! I had MI6 operatives after me for weeks! They thought I'd stolen the bloody thing!"

"Their loss," said Yassen.

"Gregorovich! That was a silver ghost!"

"The world works in mysterious ways," said Yassen, stealing another piece of cheese. "Now, do you want a fryer in black or stainless steel?"

"I don't want a chip pan!" said Ian. "Go home!"

Yassen glared.

"And I don't mean to Russia," said Ian. "Just wherever you're living now."

"..."

"And don't try to pull that 'hurt glaring' crap with me. I get enough of that from Alex."

"I'm getting you a chip pan," said Yassen, climbing back out of the window.

"Oh no you're not!" shouted Ian, after him.

Three weeks later, a chip pan came in the post.

Ian sold it on ebay.

...

Method 3: Suicide

The note on the fridge said 'You are a worthless human being'.

The note on the oven said 'Find a cliff'.

The note in the cutlery drawer said 'Ha ha, your face depresses people'.

The note in the cereal cupboard said 'Give up; there is no point anymore; you should just die'.

There was a gun in the fruit bowl.

Ian sighed.

He pocketed the gun. Then he put the notes in paper recycling.

...

Method 4: Cancer

"Post!" shouted Alex, threw a multicoloured pile of flyers on the dining room table, and rushed out the door with his school bag over his left shoulder.

Ian shook his head and finished his porridge. Then he glanced over at the post.

...

He frowned.

Get Tanned; £25 one-time offer! Paradise Bay Tanning Salon! Get your tan today at only-

Get Tanned; £25 one-time offer! Paradise Bay Tanning Salon! Get your tan today-

Get Tanned; £25 one-time offer! Paradise Bay Tanning Salon! Get-

Get Tanned; £25 one-time offer! Paradise Bay-

Get Tanned; £25 one-time-

Get Tanned-

Get Tan-

...

Ian swore. He picked up the one sane envelope swimming in a mess of tanning salon flyers and ran a thumb under the flap.

Free tanning session at Paradise Bay Tanning-

The envelope ended up half way across the room in a potted plant.

It was at that moment that Jack came in, holding something rather large and cardboard-boxish in her hands.

"It's for you," she said, passing it to him and wandering off into the kitchen to make herself some coffee.

Ian braced himself... and then tore open the packaging.

Three hundred twenty-packs of Marlboro fell into his porridge bowl.

Ian stormed out of the house and got into the car. He was getting a drink.

...

Method 6: Heart attack

"BOO!" shouted Yassen, from the backseat.

Ian swerved hard into a turning and screeched to a halt.

"What the bloody hell was that!?" he yelled, turning angrily to look at Yassen, who was clearing his throat and trying to straighten out his hair.

Yassen looked back. "Hello Ian," he said.

"Go away," hissed Ian. "And yes; now I do mean to Russia. Take a train to Gatwick, board the earliest plane and fuck off home!!"

Yassen opened his mouth.

"Fine," snarled Ian, losing his patience. "Fine! Kill me first! And then never come back! I don't want to see you; I don't want to hear you, and I don't want to know, Yassen! I don't care if that means I never see, hear or know anything again, but just hurry up and do it!"

Yassen refused to meet his eyes. He looked like a guilty dog.

"I'm sorry," said Ian. He breathed out. "Just get on with it this time."

"With a gun, then?"

"With a gun."

"I was trying to make it look like an accident."

"Sorry. Just... gun. Please."

"..."

"Yassen."

The assassin sighed. "It's been good to know you, Ian," he said, and got out of the car.

"Make it look like I was caught by surprise," said Ian. Those were his last words.

...

Method 7: Murder

With six quick shots, Yassen had punctured a tire, pock-marked the passenger seat headrest, deflated the airbag, and gotten Ian thrice in the chest. The spy bled out slowly.

...

Method 8: Car accident

This is what they told Alex.