Broken Marilyns

ADORATION

ADORATION

There was too much going on in my head – I needed to drown some of it out.  I stopped by Bob’s to drink by myself and stared inside my cup like it had all the answers to my troubles.  After a couple rounds I decided to call it a night.  A hand gripped my shoulder.  “What are ya havin’?” I jerked my eyes to Jack’s smiling face.

We laughed and had a drink together which led to two and then three.  It was nice talking to Jack, he was nice and clever with a touch of sarcasm - he felt like home.  I loved how the flecks of gold seemed to explode through the green in his eyes when he laughed, and that he laughed loudly and didn't cover his mouth like I did.  Jack was all the things I never knew I wished I could be.

"What's going on in here?" Jack pointed to my temple before brushing some hair behind my ear.  I hadn’t realized it, but I was spacing out.  I leaned into Jack’s hand in my drunken stupor but he didn't move away.  He was gazing into my eyes, the intensity paralyzed me.

“Just a whole lot of thinking,” I stopped myself.  I was in a delicate mood made worse by the booze that pushed me to the verge of tears.

“Stop.  Just be,” Jack’s eyes pulled me out of myself.  Taking my hand, Jack opened my fingers with his and stroked my palm and fingers with his thumb.  The tiny ridges on our fingertips rubbed together, making small, delightful sensations run through my arm and body.

All night I asked myself what I was doing flirting with a married man, but maybe that was part of the intrigue - he was untouchable.  I tried to black out the thoughts that crept inside my head, convinced they would stop.  I was wrong. 

I sat in-between Jack’s legs while he played with my hair and caressed my neck.  He whispered to me and instead of hearing the words, I could feel them.  I felt warm; I felt like I belonged, I felt wanted.  There was no one to tell me that what we were doing was wrong and time stopped. 

This morning I stood out on my porch and leaned against the railing, drunk off Jack.  I laid my cheek on the cold wood to cool my head and let the morning breeze roll over my neck and face as I looked at the fading stars.  This time of day was my favorite, though I rarely woke up early enough to witness it.  The sky was a deep and haunting blue and the sun lent just enough light to turn everything into silhouettes.

            It was a Saturday and my hangover demanded pancakes so I forced Maddie to go to the diner with me.  Sitting down, I noticed Jack right away, eating at the counter adjacent to our table; he was next to a beautiful blonde woman who I assumed was his wife.  Guilt burned inside my throat and through my ears.  “What’s wrong with you?” Maddie giggled uncomfortably.

“Nothing, I -,” Jack waved at me and his wife quickly turned to observe – she gave a warm but oblivious smile.

“Umm, tell me you didn’t fuck him.”

“What?” I stared dubiously at Maddie.

“You heard me, home-wrecker,” Maddie winked.

“No, I didn’t have sex with him.  We just had some drinks together last night.”

“Good, because his wife Anne owns a dress shop in town and if you ruin my discount I’ll kill you.”

Anne was so lovely even the sun adored her.  Peeking at her from the corner of my eye, she sat haloed by the sun through the diner window like a golden goddess.  Platinum hair in loose curls and cherry lips.  Every pair of male eyes in the joint gawked at her, except one. 

Jack slid his hand to the middle of Anne's back and smoothed it over her sky blue dress before resting it in place.  I envied how easily Jack's hand found its place on Anne's back - how it seemed to belong there.  I remembered his touch.  Looking up, I met Jack's eyes unexpectedly through the stray hairs of Anne's curls.  As we stared, I stole away my own little piece of him.  I stared back and shouted through my eyes all the things I could never say.

I kept my guilty pleasure in the far depths of my mind, among the dark unspeakables we play like grainy films against closed eyelids when no one is around.