A/N: This song is Vagina Mine by Puscifer
I have a bit of an...unconventional career. I'm a professional thief...I hate the word criminal, it just sounds so negative. My current target? Markiplier. Why? Convenience. Apparently, this dude doesn't live too far away from me now. All I can hope is that his net worth doesn't disappoint me like his annoying videos. You wouldn't believe the amount of time I spent stalking wealthy individuals only to find out that most of their net worth comes from their home and/or other assets. He'd better be carrying cash like nobody's business or I might have to turn his head into a bullet sponge. Times are getting tricky with the police being...competent and my boss isn't pleased that his cuts have been rather small. I've put some decent effort into finding his exact locale and I think I'm ready to move. I hope he's as dumb as he seems.
It's getting late in the evening. Just dark enough to strike, but light enough to see any of my well planned escape routes. "Here." I told my driver. "Take it around the block a few times. I shouldn't be long. I'm just lifting his cards for the account info tonight. After we wash the money through the accounts I can come back for any tangible valuables he might have laying around." He nodded and stopped the car. Time to turn on the charm. I straightened my top and pulled it down a bit. Men are so simple sometimes. I made sure the .40 in my purse was ready to rock just in case things got sticky. I walked down the block to the front door and knocked. Much to my surprise, I was greeted by the man himself. No entourage, how interesting. "Can I...help you?" How cute, he really is stupid. "You can. I'm lost...I need some directions." "Lost huh? I get that way sometimes." Oh brother, I don't care. "I'm sure. My phone is dead, can I use yours to call a friend? You see I'm supposed to meet them somewhere tonight and I can't remember the address. Once I get it, I can get back on the road." He smiled at me and internally I smirked. "I don't see anything wrong with that." he said, inviting me in. "Hang tight...what was your name? I'm sorry, it was rude of me to not ask." "It's (y/n)." I lied. "Alright, one sec (y/n)." I cased the joint and was rather surprised to see that Mark lives pretty normally. Laundry piled here and there, a guitar, a dumb looking dog drooling on a dog bed...not what I expected at all...but there are many wealthy people who don't own tons of extravagant items. "Here you go." he said, thrusting a phone into my hands. I called my driver and had a pretend conversation while a relaxed and unassuming Mark watched me. I hung up and asked to use the bathroom, and he happily obliged. I walked past the kitchen and saw a wallet. Excellent. He showed me to the bathroom and said he'd be waiting for me in the living room when I was finished. I pretended to use the bathroom and when I walked by the kitchen I silently stole the wallet, tucking it into my bra. "Thanks...what was your name?" I asked sweetly. "Mark." he replied, extending a hand. "Thanks, Mark. You've been a big help. Bigger than what you know." he looked a bit confused before smiling and opening the door for me. What a simpleton. I walked down the block and hopped back in the car. "Don't drive by the house." I said, crushing the driver's throwaway phone in my hand. I opened the wallet and found enough cash to cover what my boss demanded of me. "You were fast." "I didn't need to drop the skirt for this dude. He ain't about that life or some shit. He just...was pleasant." Suddenly I began to feel a bit bad about stealing his wallet. "Look, we've gotta hurry, he's gonna notice it's missing right away. Just take me to the computer so I can get the account information before these cards go bad." I pulled his license out. What a doofus...but he is kinda cute. More guilt. I've never stolen from someone who was so genuinely kind. Normally it took some serious bargaining just to get a quick, blurry picture of one credit card and here I am holding his entire wallet. "Think you'll use the direct approach again?" my driver asked. "I don't know." I replied. "I really don't know. He just...trusted me or something...and I can't see anyone else doing that." He shrugged. "As long as we get what we need, I don't care how you do it. You're the best (y/n)...never seen a thief like you before...and you're so unassuming." "Save the flattery for when we withdraw some funds." I replied, texting our boss. "Why...are you gonna give me some?" I shot him a dirty look. "What? You fuck your way into these peoples' bank accounts, but you won't fuck me?" "Quiet." I replied. "And hurry the fuck up. I bet he's about ready to get on the phone and start reporting these things as being stolen. Even worse, he might be calling the fuzz on us." My driver scoffed as we pulled into 'the office' so I could get my work done for the night. "Hurry up (y/n), the sooner we start washing money the sooner I can put my bid in to get some." "You have no idea what kind of process this is. I'm not going to come out with a fat stack of hundred dollar bills in 5 minutes. I don't even know how much money we're dealing with...regardless, it's gonna take days to weeks before we can safely withdraw anything from any of our fake accounts. Shut up and stay in the fucking car." I hissed. I handed my boss a wad of cash. "Here's a deposit." I replied hastily. "(Y/N), not bad." he said, counting it. "You still owe me for last week though." he said. "I'm well aware. Just take that and be happy for now." I replied, seating myself at the computer. "Is it ready for me?" I asked. "Always." he replied. I hastily entered information as quickly as I could, still feeling guilt. What for though? I steal constantly and it has never bothered me. I finished the information and waited for the figures to load. My boss stood behind me. "This is one of the best hits we've had in awhile. Well done, (y/n). Finish up before there's trouble. I want those accounts drained." I cautiously began the long and frankly, exceptionally illegal process of draining his accounts. "Credit cards?" my boss asked. "There's a few in there." I said, motioning to the wallet. "When you're done with the cash check out the cash withdrawal limits on these things. See what you can do." I grunted. I suppose I really shouldn't care. Working with 2 people instead of a whole crew maximized my ill gotten money, but no one ever helps me. "Finished." I said. "Let the washing begin." My boss seated himself and began using the other computer to start the washing...he gets the easy part. "Looks like cash withdrawal limits on these cards are pretty low...that's normal, they're credit cards. Banks don't like it when borrowers take money off of credit cards too much." My boss responded with a single nod. "Just get the PINs." he said. "Can I get a please with that?" I asked, sharply. "Please do your fucking job." he replied. Oh fuck me, sometimes I really wanna quit. I have a day job so I don't come off as suspicious...I wanna go full time there sometimes just to dodge being treated as the resident bitch around here. "This guy isn't gonna know what hit him." my boss said. "Nope." I replied. "But I don't think I've seen the last of him by any means."
