Mathlete to Beauty Queen

I THOROUGHLY DISLIKE

  After my short yet horribly long glance at my dad, I've been convinced to proceed. I need to show him that I can do this.

Taking a deep breath, I take out the paper that holds my speech. My hands are shaking now. I've never quite been one for public speaking. For a moment I find myself scanning the crowd people in front of me. Some here today, are people that I haven't even met, but Bryn knew all of them. One way or another. They are all different in many ways, but they all have at least one thing in common. They all loved her.

    It doesn't take me long to realize that I've been staring for way too long. I need to get this over with. Now.

"My sister, was driven by her faith in people. She made it her life's mission to find that part of someone, the part that no one else could see. She was determined to find the good, but what she didn't know, is that she was the good. Bryn was innocent, kind, and honest. Not once did I ever hear her say a bad thing about anyone.  In her 14 years of life, Bryn was more mature and wise than any of us will ever be. I wish that could have seen that sooner, so that I could tell her how amazing she was.

   I can't remember the last time I told her I loved her, but I can remember the last thing I said to her. I hate you. Those three words will haunt me forever. If I could go back, I would have done so many things differently, but it's too late now. All that's left to do is move on. Bryn is gone, and everything that she was went with her. All that's left is her memory. And that's the part of her that is left up to us to keep alive."

I pause for a moment to take a deep breath.

"- These past few days, have truly been the worst of my life. All I can think about was the fact that I didn't know how much pain she was going through. I guess that it is true that the ones who smile the brightest shed the most tears. Could you – Could I have saved her? I suppose I will never know, but I am certain, that that question will always be with me."

By the time I am finished, my eyes are clouded with tears. I did it, I stayed strong and I made it through the whole speech, yet somehow I feel like I still disappointed her.

  Once again I look up at my Dad. He's not glaring anymore. Now his face reads a mixture of hate and depression. He loved Bryn. He hates me.

I take a small step back to wipe the tears from my face. Being the clumsy person that I am, I bump straight into our Priest, who was leading the ceremony. In doing so, I forcefully fall back onto something hard and inevitably land on something soft. I somehow manage to keep my eyes closed during the fall, but when I open them I am greeted with the cold, pale skin of my sister's face.

I can hear someone screaming. It's almost heartbreaking to listen to. After a moment, I realize that the deafening scream is echoing through my mouth.

   I can feel someone's hands wrap around me, pulling me out from the inside of the casket. I can't hear anything. It's as if my ears have shut out everything around me. My eyes are clenched shut, refusing to open.

I think that I'm on someone's lap. I'm being rocked back and forth as though I'm a baby, which I'm not. I'm just a clumsy freak. Though it's only been a few seconds I feel like I've been sitting here for hours. I can't take this. I want to get up.

Slowly I begin to pick up on the sounds around me.

"Is she okay?"

"Does she need a doctor?"

"It's okay, Ashlyn. It's okay. You'll be okay."

I recognize the last voice as Jamie. She is a friend of the family.

  We met her the day Bryn was born. She was only in high school then. Her boyfriend had gotten her pregnant, ditched her, and she ended up having to give up her baby. I remember how sad she was. My mom and her shared a room in the hospital and after that she just never went away. Her parents had kicked her out of the house and my mom and dad gave her a place to stay and paid her to babysit Bryn and I. She lived with for three years until she turned 19 and was able to find a place of her own. From then on, she has been more like a sister than a friend.