What if?

The one who lied...

Don't you hate it when you notice that someone you trusted so much just lied... I had someone who I trusted. Someone who I believed in. Someone who I needed so much that when he did leave, when he stopped being there I broke. But I can't show it... I can't tell anyone because then I am over reacting or I am seeking attention. So now I am doing what the only thing I know how to do... I am writing my feelings down... 

I have someone that means so much to me. His opinion. His words. His lessons. And please before you jump to ideas, no I am not talking about a love romantic relationship. I am talking about a relationship of, or so I thought, mutual trust and understanding. guess not though... I just some times wish I could have notice it sooner. I know he is trying to protect me and I know that he thinks he is doing what's best for me. But it hurts. He may not notice but every word he says I truly take to heart. So when he says he doesn't want to go see some thing I have been planing for him and my mother to be there it hurts. Even if I know he doesn't mean is. I just kind of feel like every time I try to talk, we end up fighting or screaming. And I end op saying things I can't take back. That is one thing I learned. Once you say something, you can never take it back...

I keep saying I a lot... But then again I am complaining I guess. Well not really. I think I am trying to figure out what is going on in side my head. My best friend that I used to be close with wrote me off. I have friends here but there problems just seem so much bigger. So I bottle everything up and yeah I know it's not good. I understand that. But how petty would it sound if your friend is complaining about her problems and you just said, "Yeah I know how you feel. I have problems too." I mean come on. Everyone would be like, "You just make everything about you." I guess I just want someone to listen to me some times. I know there are people out there with much bigger problems then mine but where I am standing now it just feels so gigantic, so life changing and I am scared. I can handle other people's problems and give advice about it. I can talk to you and I will help you in way I can. But I just never seem to follow my own advice... Why is that? Why do we give advice but when it comes to us we never seem to know where to turn?

I guess I just wish I picked up patterns quicker and saw changes in people. I mean emotionally I can tell when someone is down. But changes in behavior I will over look in hopes that the person I once knew would return. I just wanted my person back. I just want to be able to talk to you again with out shouting or fighting. I just want to say I am sorry for what I said, and I know you did not mean to lash out at me because you and mom where fighting. I just wish instead of pushing me away you would come talk to me like you always do. 

So I know that that was a rather long ranting and moaning season but if any of you guys feel the same let me know... Comment, send a message anything you want. Thank you for all the reads, it really means a lot! 

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-Siané <3