thriller bitch!

spaces between us / 11:55

the scars are really ugly
they're deep and they even gross me out sometimes
i don't know why i did it
i'm not going to say it was my escape from my emotional pain
because it only cause me to hurt more
i guess it was the nagging feeling that i deserved bad things
so i did it when i saw how well my life was
i wasn't born sick
i don't have drug addicts as parents
sure, he was a drunk, but he isn't anymore
they don't abuse me
i had friends
i was overall healthy, besides my weight
that's what it was
my weight
the fat face, fat arms, the rolls at my belly
that's what motivated me
i felt so ugly whenever he looked away
like i wasn't good enough
i saw all the boys go at anyone but me
i grew up not having so much attention from anyone and the solemnly thought of someone ever liking me is shocking
i never can seem to imagine that
i just see too many flaws
my face is crooked
one of my eyes is smaller than the other
my lips seem too big
my face isn't symmetrical
my thighs are too fat and scar filled
my arms too wide
my back too big
my voice too deep
my skin marked with acne
i'm just not girlfriend material and i can't blame anyone if they don't like me
i sheltered in those blades in some way
it was my form of saying i wasn't good enough and that i was okay with it
i failed so many times
maybe not tests
but at life
i disappoint my parents to this day
and they bring back the fact that i cut
that's what hurts more
when they mention such a sensitive topic like it's nothing and carelessly throw it around the room
it takes everything in me to not cry my eyes out
because "i always complain"
"my mood changes like a light switch"
"i can't handle anything"
so i fucking cry when they're not looking
and it's so embarrassing to cry in front of strangers
it's so embarrassing to walk in front of my parents in a supermarket and desperately try not to cry when they're screaming at me
everybody looks at me with concerned eyes
when my own are bloodshot red
they can't seem to see it
but i feel so selfish when it's about me
we have so much to stress out and my crying isn't even a fifth important
i just wish i had someone to talk to
my friends aren't like that
they don't hold deep conversations
they always try to comfort me with empty words
i know i'm not going to end up okay
i don't want your pity
i want you to understand and tell me that even if i fuck up, there's going to be a little light
i don't want you to look at me like i'm fragile
see me as your equal, see me like me
i just need somebody.