thriller bitch!

letters to you // 1

Dear ***,

You really kept me together. You were what made my mental health stay in tact. You were my base. You were what helped me along this long way, but it's not over yet.

You helped me when I felt worthless. You told me I was pretty when I know I never will be. You were almost like the boyfriend I wanted, because you made me grow so much confidence over time. You saw me go from a shy person to someone outgoing and friendly. I was so terrified of meeting new people in fear of being broken again. But you, you helped me be a better me.

You helped me in school, you helped me with grades. You encouraged me to not be so stubborn when it came to math. I still failed it, but you always helped me and tried to encourage me. I still thank you for that.

When I was self harming, you helped me. You told me that he wasn't worth that, that the situation wasn't worth that, that I didn't need to do it.

You made me sprout into something that could have been beautiful. You were my water and air, my sun and the love I needed.

But you changed. You changed so much.

You admitted it was only me you were changing feelings for. It hurt so bad. You knew you were changing towards me and that you didn't know why.

I wish I knew.

When you started getting close to him, I'll admit, I felt jealous at first. When you started ignoring me, it really hurt.

Call me obsessive but I was so hurt that I wasn't one of your top priorities anymore, not even in your top ten. You were in my top three.

You started leaving me behind, not caring if I engaged in conversation or if I wasn't there at all. I already felt unwanted, and I tried so hard not to let it get to me. I had not harmed myself in so long.

We talked about it. I ranted, but not to you anymore. It seemed as if those little things that we did together, we started doing with others.

I cried so hard for you. I cut so bad for you. I bled for you. Emotionally and physically. And you never knew.

When I called a break, a week at max to let my mind fix itself, you didn't care. It hurt that you went ahead and told him all my secrets, called me a 'bitch', and that you aren't one to kiss ass.

That hurt so much. I was sobbing for you, my depression came back and it was worse that ever. Why?

Because I lost him, and more importantly, I lost you.

You were my medicine, you were litterally the beat in my heart.

And now I feel so dead without you. I feel quiet and suffocated. I ache to share my feelings with someone. I ache to be able to talk to someone like I did with you. I ache to hear someone mean it when they say I'm still beautiful. I ache to hear you laugh again.

It hurt to see you kissing him by the stairwell, it hurt to see you holding his hand. The way you let him hug you and touch you, it stabbed me so bad. The fact that you were smiling more than you did with me hurt.

I don't care about him, I don't at all! I wouldn't have minded you guys dating. It hurt to see you simply left me like an abandoned doll to go with him. We promised we wouldn't let anything or anyone get in the way of us.

But it happened.

And lately I've been thinking.

I've never thought this way about anyone.

But, I wonder how your lips taste like. I bet they're sweet like strawberries with a hint of coconut and something bitter. I wonder how your hands feel like, probably as soft as the appearance of clouds. I wonder how your laugh sounds like, probably as beautiful as an acoustic guitar.

I wish I was him so bad.

I've never thought of you this way, I hate myself for doing so. I hate myself for missing you every single day. I hate myself for letting you go. I hate myself for depending on you so much. I hate myself for making you leave. I hate myself for being so jealous. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for being broken. I hate myself for loving you. I hate myself for being too ugly to spark you an interest in me. I hate myself for not being able to face reality on my own. I hate myself for needing your hand. I hate myself for needing your eyes locked with mine. I hate myself for wanting your lips. I hate myself for wanting you in a way I never thought I'd want any girl. I hate myself for letting my mind do this. I hate myself for disappointing my parents way. I hate myself because everyone thinks its wrong.  I hate myself because my parents didn't raise a confused child. I hate myself for going against what they wanted.

They raised me all this time and wanted a perfect girl with a perfect state of mind with nothing out of the norm.

But if they knew, if they only knew the confusion that is rising in my heart, they'd kick me out.

I really need you, even if it's not in that way. I hope I'm confusing my love for you as a friend, because I don't want to disappoint my family. I don't want to.

You'd be accepting though, right? You always told me you'd love me for me, right? Forever and ever? You promised me you would text me even when I didn't want to be your friend, right? You promised. You promised. You promised.

I'm so lost.

Please come back. Please find me. I can't find myself. Please.

Dec 22, 2017.