10 Reasons Why I Hate Santana Lopez

The List

Santana Lopez sat on the edge of her bathtub with an unraveled roll of scribbled on toilet paper in hand. She glanced down at the man that lay unconscious on her bathroom floor, looking from the toilet paper to him. As gently as a mother handling a sleeping babe, Santana rearranged the man's limbs and laid a folded towel under his head so he would be more comfortable. If the roles were reversed she would have expected him to carry her to the bed, but he was too heavy for her to lift and she wasn't too keen on putting in the effort. Unfortunately, that meant that Sebastian Smythe would have to settle with sleeping on her bathroom floor until he woke himself up. However, she did have plans for him when he did finally come to, so she fetched a glass of water and some Tylenol, placing them on the bathroom sink for him to take when he was ready. Deciding that was the best she could do for him at the moment, she headed into her bedroom and sat down at her desk, pulling paper and pen to write a list like a normal fucking person and not on toilet paper with her lip liner. When she finished, she returned to the bathroom to place the paper under Sebastian's hand before retiring to her room

.

When Sebastian finally woke up, he was in too much of a daze to notice the sheet in his hand. He stood up, the paper falling to the floor as he hauled himself to the sink. He splashed water in his face to try to wake himself up and to help with the hangover he felt coming. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the water and pills, downing them both, assuming they were safe enough to consume since he thought Santana would find a more clever way to kill him.

Deciding that his twenty-first birthday was a bust and he was ready to go home, he turned around with every intention of bidding Santana farewell. However, he stopped after taking his first step, the sound of crumpling paper under his foot odd. He pulled the paper from his shoe and was surprised to see it addressed to him in Santana's sharp, neat handwriting.

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Dear Sebastian,

I found that silly little list of yours that you expended a whole roll of toilet paper for. Let me tell you now; I didn't appreciate the vomit covered bits of it. Also, you may as well have titled it "How I Developed Stockholm Syndrome" because you did an excellent job of selling our relationship as such. I'd feel bad for you, but as the culprit, I have little to no remorse. Anyways, I wrote a list for you too.

10 (of the many) Reasons Why Sebastian Smythe Loves Santana Lopez

Reason 1

I threw a white crayon at your head in kindergarten. If I hadn't done this, we would have never become familiar with each other which lead to our eventual friendship. Be honest. If I'd never come along your life would have been dreary and dull. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.

Reason 2

I threw a crayon box at your head in the first grade thus officially starting our friendship. You can lie and say I forced you into it, but I saw the way you looked at me from across the room. I could tell you wanted to have a friendly relationship with me but your pansy ass would have never made the first move. And my smile really was one of those smiles where the sun brightened and rainbows shot out of your asshole.

Reason 3

I defended your honor when I put glue in that girl's hair. I proved to you that I considered you to be more than just a material friend. That, and I felt sorry for you sitting all by yourself. You looked pathetic and I can't be having friends that make me look like shit.

Reason 4

I'm a lying, manipulative bitch. If I weren't, you wouldn't have said those painful things to me at Chuck E Cheese's and you wouldn't have realized that you had come to see me as a person you didn't want to hurt. I saw the look in your eyes after you'd realized that your words affected me. Don't lie. You're about as good at lying as the pope is good at promoting Darwin's theory of evolution. You felt bad and after that, you treated me more kindly.

Reason 5

As horrible as it was for me to experience puberty so early, if it didn't happen I'm sure you would have never manned up and grown a pair. I was seriously afraid that you were actually gay. You still would have been my best friend if you were gay, but that wouldn't have worked out to my benefit. But I was proud of you and pleased that you defended me.

Reason 6

Me leaving you was out of my control, but we did need some time to catch our breaths without each other. When you came back, I knew from the moment you turned around after I had kicked you that our relationship was going to change. No boy looks at his best friend up and down like you looked at me. I swear, it felt like you had x-ray vision and it was kind of turning me on. Not to mention the fact that a Sebastian Smythe all grown up was very pleasing to the eyes.

Reason 7

You're right. I don't usually wear underwear, not unless you'd like to take them off. And yes, my boobs are perfectly round, even without a bra.

Reason 8

Don't try to lie and say you weren't jealous. I know you were and that's why I was such a flirt. But flirting with you indeed fun.

Reason 9

Stalking or not, you would have missed me if we were separated. But you would've never admitted it, and I wasn't looking forward to the outrageous phone bill I was bound to have when your lonely ass would probably repeatedly call me.

Reason 10

First off, it's unfair for you to say I ruined your birthday. I did everything I could to make you happy today but you, anticipating that I would make it horrible, were too blind to see that. I don't even know why you would think I would murder you. Are you fucking crazy? I've been trying to get you to ask me out for years but apparently, I was the only one who could see our relationship as anything more. You let your mind run so much that you can't even see your true feelings. So if you can pull the stick out of your ass and be honest with yourself, when you're done in the bathroom, see me. I'll be waiting and I'll be wearing what was in that extra bag I brought home from the mall. I want to show exactly how much I love you.

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When Sebastian finished the letter, he sat on the toilet and thought long and hard about her words. It felt like an eternity had passed before he rose to exit the bathroom. The only problem he faced now was the decision he had to make. Does he turn left to go to Santana's room or does he turn right to leave the apartment?

He turns left.

Thank you for reading! I will begin posting the sequel next week.