Woman

May 17

"Why?" I ask softly in the midst of the quietness, eyes never leaving him.

"Why what?" He returned gruffly still staring at the horizon.

"Why don't you believe in God?"

He chuckled lowly, turning his head to face me. "Because if God was real," he smiled weakly, "he would have given me a woman like you." He turned his head back to the ocean. "Damn, if God was real, he would've given me you."

I stare at him in shock, searching for words. Finally I say, "You don't mean that."

He pounds my hood as soon as the sentence comes out of my mouth. "Adira, you don't know how beautiful you are, inside and out," he watches me in all seriousness.

"Chris stop," I say getting up and walking onto the sand.

"Nah," he said and I hear him get up. "You need to hear this," he grabs my arm and makes me look at him. "Adira, you are phenomenal woman. Damn, if all women were like you, this world would be a better place and it's a shame that you can't see your own worth. Love yourself girl because many other people and I do."

He sighed and pulled me down to sit on the sand. "You are the only thing that gives me proof that there might be a God out there. I've been in deep contemplation and contrary to what you might believe I'm not atheist, I'm agnostic."

"Why do you love me anyway, Chris?"

"Girl, did you hear anything I just said?" He laughed. "You think I need Jesus more than you do, you ain't in no position to judge. I was raised in church and I know that if you truly love God, the way you say you do, you would love yourself too."

"You're right," I mumbled.

"I know," he said, causing me to playfully nudge him.

We both start to play in the sand during the momentary silence, but it's a comfortable silence, not like before. "You know," I said, "lots of people think psychologist and psychiatrist can solve problems but the truth of the matter is, we have the most. We can 'fix' everyone else but we never have time to 'fix' ourselves."

He let out a deep sigh. "My grandfather worked in the psych ward, he got dementia. My mom was a marriage counselor and I watched my parents's marriage crumble year after year. My uncle, he mostly dealt with suicidal patients and he jumped of a building five years ago." He cracked a weak smile. "In this job, you have to be selfless, you have to care about 'fixing' others, more than 'fixing' yourself or you're going to suffer. It's a sacrifice."

"But, I'm not sure I'm willing to make the sacrifice anymore." I admitted.

"If you know it's killing you, then stop." He was right and this needed some serious contemplation. "I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be back," he said getting up and I nodded my head as if in approval.

I watched him walk away until I couldn't see him anymore. The beach was quiet and the sounds of the ocean somewhat soothing. I smiled thinking if the simple conversation we had and how it made me feel so much better. I rubbed my feet into the sand, enjoying to serenity. Then, I heard an unknown song. I turned my head to the side of me to see Chris' phone ringing.

I picked it up and watched it, wondering if I should answer the call. I put it back down, deciding that it wasn't my business and it rang out. But, the person was consistent; the phone began to ring again.

This time I picked it up, the number didn't show. I could probably take a message.

"Chris," she said and the voice sounded familiar, "don't forget Antonio and Cader's appointment is tomorrow and they miss their daddy, you need to come see them more often."