One Day, Maybe. #NewAdult

Ch.27: Memories Of Happiness

          No such luck. I cursed under my breath as I quickly chased away that single tear that would so dare to escape my eye.

          "We should go before we are late for the doctor's appointment. I can't wait to see our baby's face." He said and extended his arm to me. I nodded, smiled softly and grabbed the hand offered.

________________

         The whole car ride was spent in silence which was okay because I still had nothing to say. My thoughts were occupied by things I had buried deep within me that I had manage to never go back and revisit. What would be the purpose of such things anyway?

         I was happy with James. And when you're happy, you don't go looking for memories of a past you shared with someone else. Chris was my past and the day I said yes to James, the day I opened my door and let James Darcy in, I willingly put Chris in that box and locked that away.

         Now though, now the box was open and all was coming crashing and I was overwhelmed with memories. So many memories of happiness and laughter and autumn days spent in bed in nothing but our sleeping attires. Of Chris telling me about his favorite thing in the world -his mother's chicken pot pie- or that time when he was nine and his sister was seven and they decided that they would take turn giving each other hair cuts, to their mother's horror.

         I loved hearing stories of him as a young child because they were so different than my own. I loved hearing of the love his family shared. I loved hearing how happy he was because that made me happy. Of how him and his sister were always welcomed back from school with a glass full of fresh homemade lemonade and freshly baked cookies because he had one of those mothers who loved her children so much that much of her happiness came from seeing them happy and doing all she could to always keep a smile on their faces.

         He also told me of his father and how he wasn't always the way he was now. How once upon a time, they were a happy family and his father cared much more for the happiness of his wife and kids than of politics of business and that he doesn't know where along the way of his growing up, his father lost touch of what was important and that his parents' love suffered because of that.

         I loved hearing him talk about all and nothing. That, that made me happy.

          Memories, so many memories of he and I because you didn't spend a year of happiness with someone and not have all of these memories packed away. The nights when we didn't feel like going out so he turned on the fireplace and put on his favorite jazz vinyl record and all night long we would be dancing. My body against his. My head on his chest and then he would whisper in my ear while we slow danced.

        "This is happiness. I'm happy. You make me happy. Thank you."

          I had loved this man and deep within me, I knew I should have loved him harder because he deserved all the love in the world.

         So this, this was why I couldn't go looking at those memories because it made me feel like a piece of shit.

         "Pull over." I was barely able to get out as a wave of nausea hit me all of the sudden.

          "Charlotte?" James took his eyes off the road long enough to check on me.

          "Pull over I feel sick." I said as another wave hit me. I gagged and held on to the vehicle's door handle and waited no more than a few seconds after James pulled into an alley, to open the door and let out all I had for breakfast and lunch.

          I felt sick. And it had nothing to do with the baby that was growing inside of me, and all to do with the guilt I felt toward Chris.

         Fuck me!

_____________

           "Are you alright?" James asked as I was finally able to pull myself up and my body right back into the SUV. He handed me a bottle of fiji water. I thanked him and grabbed the bottle before swallowing half of it's content before I felt okay to speak.

         "Yeah, I'll be okay. It's nothing, just the baby, you know?" I lied. Of course I lied. How could I tell James that I felt so guilty about Chris that it literally made sick to my stomach?

          I glanced quickly at James who was still watching my with concern. I tried to smile. Which maybe worked as he unbuckled himself out of the seat belt and leaned over to give me a kiss on the temple. I closed my eyes and sighed. I was exhausted and something told me this was only the beginning of something that I wasn't so sure I was ready for.

_________________

I hope you had all a great 4th of July. My birthday is 4th of August. Woot woot. Lol, okay, See you very soon!!!!