How to Break a Heart (To be published by LIB)

Twenty

"You're impossible." umiling-iling ako sa kanya. I was meaning to turn my back on her and just leave but I stopped from doing it when she suddenly spoke.

"I didn't really sleep well the other night. Hindi rin ako nakakain ng breakfast. That's why I fainted. And I'm alright. I'm fine now, okay?" mahinahon na sagot ni Allie sa akin.

Hindi ko alam kung anong pumasok sa utak ko at bigla ko na lang hinatak si Allie at niyakap ng napakahigpit. May parang sumuntok sa dibdib ko at hindi ako makahinga. Shit. Ang bading."I was worried. Damn worried." bulong ko dito. Allie wasn't moving, like she was entirely frozen from my hug. Her whole body was tensed like she was afraid to move a muscle, like she couldn't bring herself to breathe.

When I hugged her-I thought of never letting her go.

And that thought made me want to let go.

But I still didn't.

"What are you doing?" Allie asked, breathless. She sounded like she only had the chance to normally breathe and catch up with her own breath.

"I want to ask myself the same thing." because right now? I don't have any idea what I'm doing.

My head got fixed at the visuals of me and Allie-hugging. And she didn't even push me away. Why didn't she push me away? I wanted her to push me away-needed her. Gusto kong ipaalala niya sa akin na hindi ko dapat siya niyayakap. I never hugged any of my flings. I just kiss, fuck, and drop.

Ruthless? A total player? A heartbreaker? I've never denied any of those titles hanging around my name but I didn't confirm it either. I can be ruthless but I'm not a player. I flirt but not always. Most of the time, I'm the one who's getting asked out. Heartbreaker? There's nothing to break. They all know na walang 'kami'-they all know my commitless M.O. Why else would I be entitled those kung hindi nila alam yun in the first place?

But with Allie... God, ang bading. Inaamin ko na yung pag-aalala ko sa kanya. Tanggap ko yun. I just don't like the fact how much I did. Pero yung selos? I haven't even experienced it myself. So how would I know? And how can I even confirm that I was jealous? Just thinking about it, it really sounds stupid.

I don't do the jealous thing. Tapos.

What am I even thinking about?

I was playing my bottom lip with my finger while staring at her from my seat. Katulad ng nakasanayan niya, nakikipag-usap siya sa katabi niya. She was smiling so hard that it almost took my breath away. I want her to smile like that at me. To smile like that for me.

Gusto kong maging dahilan kung bakit siya masaya.

This is confusing me. My feelings-my thoughts-I've never thought of anyone or anything like this. Hindi ko alam kung dapat kong magustuhan ang nararamdaman ko. I want to hate it-but I like feeling it too. It was baffling. Like I wasn't sure kung paano ako magre-react sa nangyayari sa tiyan, sa utak at sa dibdib ko.

Am I sick?

Tinitigan ko ulit si Allie at biglang parang may humampas ng napakalakas sa dibdib ko. I bitterly smirked.

Oh. I'm sick, alright.

Biglang napatingin si Allie sa gawi ko. She caught me staring at her so I just gave her my signature smirk. Naglaho ang ngiti mula sa mga labi niya at tinaasan niya ako ng kilay.

After the hug a while ago, she acted back to normal. Back to the roaring kitten that I always knew she was. Ako naman-I pretended to act normal. For her sake, and my sanity. Hindi ko nagugustuhan ang bawat detalye na napapansin ko sa kanya.

Yung pag akyat ng ngiti sa dalawang gilid ng labi niya. It was always the same smile-same measure-same sparkle. It was like it was all calculated and practice but it never fails to amaze me. Her smile is like the missing piece to a puzzle. It will complete you, and it will bind you.

Meron talagang parte sa loob ng katawan ko na gusto siya laging makitang nakangiti. Kahit na hindi ako lagi ang rason-I want to see her happy. It was... selfless of me. For the first time-I placed other's feelings above mine. Kahit na kay Carmela and to my own mother, I was never like that.

Another thing that I notice about her is the way she gestures her hand whenever she's talking. The way her eyes will lit up-or darken whenever she's telling a story. She's really animated whenever she liked the topic. Something that I never saw her do with me because we never really talked. Mas madalas kami mag-away at magtalo. Pati na rin ang mag-inisan.

Then I realized-I don't really know anything about, Allie. Hindi ko alam ang favorite color niya. Kung ano ang favorite na pagkain niya. What she likes to do when she's bored. What she hates the most-what scares her the most. What turns her on-okay, I'll probably get punched in the face kapag tinanong ko iyon but I'm a dude, so I can take it.

The thought of Dominic knowing all of those details... it revs my engine. And not in a good way. Bigla tuloy ako nakaramdam ng matinding pangangailangan para manapak.

My phone pinged-and vibrated. Wala naman madalas nagte-text sa akin at mostly, emergency o booty calls lang kaya sinulit ko na ang alert. Just in case hindi ko mapansin.

It was a text from Allie.

Napangisi ako at ibinalik ang tingin sa kanya. She gave me a pointed look and then tapped her phone, like she was telling me to read her text. Gusto ko tuloy siyang inisin at wag sundin ang gusto niya. But a part of me wants to know kung ano ang tinext niya kaya binuksan ko na rin ito para i-check.

Kitten: Stop staring at me.

It made me snort a laugh. I turned to her again and she openly grimaced at me. Ngumisi ulit ako sa kanya.

Me: Don't want to. I love staring at you.

Inangat ang ulo ko at hinintay na mabasa niya ang tinext ko. She pursed her lips before checking her phone. Nandilat ang mga mata niya, and there it goes. One of my favorite colors on her.

Red as tomato.

Tinapunan niya ako ng tingin. After blushing, there was a horrified look on her face that made me chuckle. I winked at her and gave her an alluring smile. Umiling-iling na lang siya sa akin at itinago na lang ang phone niya. Napanguso ako dahil gusto ko pa siya makausap.

She removed her undidivided attention from me and it made me frown.

Inalis ko ang tingin sa kanya at inalagay ang mga mata ko sa board sa harapan. I was tapping my fingers on my desk and I just couldn't help it.

Me: Still staring.

Hindi ko agad-agad tiningnan si Allie. I waited for good six seconds bago lumingon sa kanya, to catch her looking-to see her checking on me if I was really staring at her. I mentally grinned.

Hindi ko na hinintay ang sagot niya o pinatagal pa ang pagtingin sa kanya. Her priceless reaction was enough to make my day and fill my Allie cravings for the rest of the week-okay, so maybe not a week. But for at least.. four hours... or possibly more.

I gave her a last look pero nakatingin pa rin siya sa akin with that adorable dissed kitty expression of her. I badly wanted to pinch her nose-no matter how gay it looked and sounded.

And right there, staring at her... I realized what I was doing.

I've fallen completely, deeply, and shitlessly in love with Allie De Guzman and there's nothing left to do but drown.