The journey to here

4

Then, there was how she made me feel.

Angry, was what she usually made me feel. Infuriated, pissed off, absolutely angry in every shape and form. But after I'd come, she was so comforting and she praised me and I felt something different. I felt like I could do something right, like I'd finally done something right. I couldn't keep myself from fucking Mark Sloan, I couldn't keep my marriage together, I couldn't get Derek to forgive me, but I sure as hell could hold an orgasm for Meredith and it might not have been much, but it was everything to me.

I was still so confused, so infuriated at my feelings, at Meredith. I surely couldn't give myself up, wholly and completely, to Meredith Grey, the biggest whore I'd ever laid eyes on.

Absently, I poked at the salad that sat in front of me as I ate in the cafeteria. I wasn't hungry, not in the least bit, my mind was too busy whirring about. Sighing, I was about to give up when Meredith plunked down next to me with a bottle of water.

"We need to talk" she said seriously "privately"

"No, I don't think we do" I quip, eating some of the salad that had been discarded for the better part of half an hour.

"Fine, I guess we don't have to talk" she moved closer to me, both our legs completely concealed under the table and from anyone's line of view. As if to piss me off, she snakes a hand down and into my scrubs.

"Meredith!" I gasp angrily, at her hand literally down my damn pants "what the fuck?"

"Shh" she murmurs, keeping a cool composure "you won't talk, so this is how I'm going about it. Tell me to take my hand out of your pants, and then we don't have to talk" her fingers circled my clit, making me clench wantonly around nothing. I grit my teeth, resisting the urge to sigh or groan or moan or something as she strokes me gently.

She knew I'd never say that; she knew when she got me like this, that I was completely hers, as much as it pained me to admit it.

"There's nothing to talk about" she pinches my clit and I somehow manage to stifle a squeal, though a few people do look over at me oddly. "I don't like you; I despise you. How can we do this, if I don't even remotely think you're a decent human being" that earned me another clit pinch, sending sparks down my spine.

If she didn't get her hand out now, I was going to orgasm.

"Trust and lust are one thing, distaste and disagreement are another" she murmurs, pushing in harsher on my clit, making me bite my hand to stay silent "you can hate me, you can disagree with me, but you can trust me as well. You are attracted to me, you obviously like what I do to your body, and you can trust me to dominate it" she made it sound so simple; as if this weren't a discussion about some kinky side relationship while her hand was down my pants.

"How can I trust you when you slept with my husband?" I ask, trying to cross my legs a little to keep her from putting anymore pressure down there. It obviously doesn't work, and I moan lightly when she starts moving her finger in circles.

"I didn't know he was married. If there anyone you shouldn't trust, it's him"

"I don't trust him"

Meredith is quiet for a moment, edging me closer and closer to coming with her finger gently rubbing back and forth, back and forth.

"You don't trust Derek personally" she said, thinking "but you trust him in an OR with a patient, correct?" I nod "well, you don't trust me in an OR alone operating on someone. I'm a student, I haven't learned enough to be able to operate. But you can trust me personally, to keep this between us and to keep you satisfied"

What she was saying made sense; there were two types of trust, and just because I didn't trust her one way didn't mean I couldn't trust her another.

"And what if I don't trust you personally?" I counter, a sharp intake of breath making its way down my throat as I feel the bottom of my belly burn.

"Addison" she looks me square in the eyes "I may think you're a whore; I may hate you more than I thought I could ever hate someone else. But I'm attracted to you, I think you're a brilliant doctor, and I believe we could've been friends had this not happened with Derek. I'll never say anything of these things again, so savour it now. But I wouldn't ever, ever, do anything you did not like, did not want, or asked me not to do" I could hear just how serious she was "if you ask me right now to stop touching you and leave, I'll withdrawal my hand and I'll get up and leave"

I take a moment to decide; my brain is swimming with thoughts and questions, but I decide to nod in agreement.

"Let's talk about it" I say "Jesus Christ, I'll meet you in the lobby at nine, and we can go to my hotel to discuss the details away from here" I swear lightly, due to the sparks in my stomach and the pressure I was feeling. I needed to come, now.

"Sounds perfect" without warning, two of her fingers are working my clit over fast and hard, and in a second, I'm coming over her fingers with a strangled cry muffled into my hand and some shaky breaths.

"I'll see you tonight then" I say, breathlessly, and watch as she stands up, and promptly inserts her fingers that were just in my pants, in her mouth, as if she'd gotten ketchup on them.

"Mm, I wouldn't miss it. And don't worry" she smirks over her shoulder "I'll make you beg for it next time"

I wish I could say I wasn't excited, but my stomach tightened in anticipation.

I still hated Meredith Grey.