Against Her Will

Chapter Forty

"Can I be like the boy in the story!?"

Tanner grinned. "I don't see why not. We'll have to start practicing with that pony of yours and see how good you both are."

"We're real good!" Jackson assured him as he tugged on Temperance's arm. "Tell him, mommy! Me and Storm are real good, aren't we?"

A warm smile spread across Temperance's face and caused the sun to shine at night. "You are, sweetheart. You're both the best pony and rider I've ever seen."

"I'm gonna be in the fair!" Jackson and Tanner talked for a long time about all the things that were at a fair since the boy had never been. Temperance had never been either and Tanner knew she was listening intently. He wondered if she would ever go to one. He knew that even the thought of going to town overwhelmed her at times and a fair was much more crowded.

Maybe one day she would heal enough. Either way, whether she did or she didn't, he'd be around to see it.

"I'm getting tired." Jackson's statement was followed by a loud yawn.

"That's because it's past your bedtime," Temperance reminded him.

Tanner looked up at the sky. "It's getting close to midnight if I had to guess."

"Really?" Jackson's eyes widened. "That's really late, isn't it, mommy?"

"Yes, it is," Temperance agreed.

"Well come on over here then and I'll get you settled into your bed," Tanner stated. He had stretched out blankets and pillows on the floor for Jackson earlier and the boy was quick to lay down on them and burrow himself inside.

"Will you sing to me, mommy?" Jackson whispered, his little voice full of exhaustion.

Temperance smiled, kissed his brow and then her gentle voice was filling the night. Tanner had never heard anything so soothing. A mother and child were a special thing and to know that this was his woman and his child just made it all the more meaningful to Tanner. He'd do anything for these two people in front of him. He'd walk through fire, shoot his brother in the back, spend years in a prison, live celibate, teach a child rodeo tricks or hold a woman through countless tears.

There wasn't anything that would be too much for them to ask.

Tanner and Temperance sat in silence for a long while. Tanner didn't want to disturb Jackson as the boy fell asleep but soon he was lost deep in slumber and Tanner saw Temperance yawn. "You're tired," he scolded gently. "Get some rest."

"I will," she replied as she absently moved her pillow and blankets further from Tanner's. Tanner had already laid them out with a good three feet of space between them but Temperance had placed hers just beside the door and as far away as the balcony would allow.

"Temperance, you don't have to be afraid to go to sleep. I'm not going to hurt you," Tanner reminded her calmly.

Temperance's face reddened. "I didn't think you would," she assured him.

Tanner chuckled, "Really? Because the boy wanted a camp out but if you move your blankets any further toward that door, you'll be having a camp in."

Temperance bit her lip and glanced at the blankets before turning her gaze back to him. The lantern light flickered against her face and danced across her hair. "I.. that is.. I just..."

Tanner shook his head. "I won't hurt you, Temp. You've slept around me before. Remember?"

Temperance nodded. "I remember. And I know you won't hurt me... I just can't sleep so close..."

"I'm not asking you to sleep on the same blankets with me, Temperance," Tanner assured her. "But it's a big balcony so maybe you could share it with me and our son."

Temperance paused a moment but then sighed and moved her bedding back to where Tanner had originally had it. Tanner felt the thrill of victory course through him. Yes, he was pleased with his own victory but more so over the victory that Temperance had just made over her own fears.

They lay down and Tanner turned off the lantern. He and Temperance gazed into each others eyes for a long while in the darkness. Tanner memorized every line, curve and freckle of her face. He longed to hold her close to him as her eyelids began to droop and sleep claimed her but knew that he was happy with this for tonight. Just knowing that his son and the woman he loved were both sleeping so close to him, filled Tanner with a peace he hadn't known in a while...

Peace was becoming more common in his soul now that he was back here with them both and he prayed that one day the battle that raged in his mind every time he closed his eyes would no longer be there.

***

Temperance's eyes flew open and she sat up quickly. Darkness was still heavy and thick around her. She saw Jackson sleeping soundly and wondered what had startled her awake so quickly.

With her hand resting over her heart, Temperance glanced at Tanner and suddenly knew. He was gripping his blankets and his body was thrashing. Suddenly his groans filled the air. He seemed to be in pain and he was whimpering and begging for mercy.

Temperance crawled toward him and reached out a trembling hand. She laid it against his brow and whispered his name. He didn't seem to hear her and he was covered in sweat as he fought and struggled against something that Temperance couldn't see. Temperance knew she had to wake him up. Nightmares were a terrible thing--she knew because she had them often.

"Tanner," Temperance put her hand on his shoulder and gave him a shake. "Tanner, wake up."

His eyes flew open and they were shining with confusion as he reached out and grabbed her arm roughly. Temperance felt her heart pound and she fought to control her breathing as that familiar fear roared to life inside of her. Then Tanner's eyes softened as did his grip on her.

"Temp...I love you," he whispered. His voice was groggy and distant. Temperance had a feeling he was now sleeping with his eyes open.

"You're having a bad dream, Tanner," Temperance insisted.

He shook his head. "I was. Now it's a good one."

Temperance resisted a moment but then found herself giving in when Tanner pulled her body close to him. She closed her eyes tight and waited for him to push her--waited for him to make a move that would cause her to scream and cry and beg for him to let her go..

But it didn't happen.

Instead Tanner pulled her body against him, wrapped his arms warmly around her, rested his chin on her head and in moments his gentle snores were filling the night.

Temperance was stiff for a long while. She couldn't come to terms with her own emotions and feelings. While there was that part of her mind, that part that had been beaten and raped and convinced that no man could be caring in bed--there was another part that found lying in Tanner's arms this way to be the best sensation she had ever felt outside of holding her son for the first time.

Tanner's arms around her made her feel safe and loved. She felt protected and cherished.

But still she waited for that other shoe to drop. Didn't all men only want one thing from a woman? Despite Tanner's assurances that he would never force her to do anything Temperance couldn't shake the feeling that those had been only words.

Her eyes refused to close and her heart remained on edge as the night wore on and morning approached. It wasn't until dawn began to turn the sky purple that Temperance felt her body relax. She relaxed into the arms of the man she loved and he sighed against her. Temperance was safe. She was safe, protected and loved with Tanner and she hadn't fully accepted that fact until just now.

With a smile curving her lips, Temperance closed her eyes and let sleep claim her tired body.