Consulting Fangirl

Chapter 12: Mai

A/N No one reads these anyway, but, I just wanted to say thanks to all my loyal readers. I don't think I thank you guys enough. 

A week after our five-month anniversary, John and I finally reached some success: a minor paper known as The Northern Star decided to print our story.

The difference in John was beyond noticeable. It was extraordinary. He smiled all the time, he couldn’t stop talking about the story, and despite the fact that this paper was small, he acted like it was the best thing that could have happened. I couldn’t disagree with him, though I had my doubts: doubts I certainly wouldn’t be sharing with him. The last thing John needed was for someone to shatter his hope.

“I can’t believe it. I truly can’t believe it. This is good, Mai, this is really, very good. This story is going to become famous and it’s going to spread- one day, everyone will know the truth. One day,” his eyes glazed over, and though he was looking at me, I knew he wasn’t really seeing me.

That look was normal these days, the distant, faraway gaze that seemed to capture him and tear him away from me. Sometimes it was while we were working, other times it was during our personal times together. Though it was mostly the former, the other times always made me sad.

Admittedly, I did nothing to stop it. What was I supposed to do? John stared off into the distance for minutes on end while I watched him hopelessly, scared of losing him but more terrified of breaking him. Every word I spoke had to be carefully chosen. Every move I made had to be strategically planned. I didn’t mind living on edge all the time. There was no way in hell I was leaving him. He was worth the stress, the anger, the confusion and the pressure to save him.

“Yeah, John, this is going to be amazing.” I responded with a sigh. John didn’t notice my sadness, though. He was somewhere far away whilst I was stuck down here on the ground.

Before we’d started this mission of ours, I’d been worried that it would break him. Now, I had no choice but to hope with any shred of desperate hope I had left that it would succeed. Without it, he would fall apart. There was no question of it now. John had survived war and the unspeakable horrors that came with it. He’d survived loneliness, the darkness that nearly drowned him. Now, the loneliness had returned, partnered with a loss so heartbreaking that I felt it seeping out of him. However close John and I might be, Sherlock truly was his other half.

The faraway look faded slowly, and my John returned to me. He blinked a few times, shook his head, then smiled at me as if nothing had happened. I smiled back, because it was the only thing I could think to do.

“What’s for dinner then?” John asked casually. I shook off the shivers from the memory of his haunted eyes. It still disturbed me.

“We were supposed to go out tonight, remember?” I tried to keep the sadness out of my voice, but John caught on quicker than I thought he would.

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. We are. I’ll get ready right now. No, let’s just leave now, I don’t need to get ready.” He spoke so rashly I couldn’t help but laugh. However hard it was for me, this relationship, he could make me smile so quickly it was astounding.

“I need to get ready, though.” I argued with a chuckle in my voice. John waved his hand at me, a huge grin on his face.

“Nonsense, you look lovely. Let’s go.” His response made my heart flutter. Suddenly, I was reminded of why I started dating him in the first place, and just how much I liked him. The old middle school butterflies raged in my stomach as I took his hand, letting him lead me out of the flat.

He took me to a small restaurant, one nearly empty of people. I was grateful. John knew me so well. Most men would take their girlfriends to extravagant places with overly priced food and small portions, hoping to impress them. John knew how much I despised places like those. All of our dinner dates took place in small diners, cafes or family run restaurants.

Once we were seated, I held my breath, waiting for John to go off on a fancy. He didn’t though. He simply played with his water glass, made clicking noises with his teeth, then smiled at me.

I felt a ray of hope burn inside me. Maybe I could still fix him. Maybe all of this wouldn’t be for nothing.

“So, Mai, how are you? I don’t ask this enough.” His voice was gentle, inviting. He wanted me to be honest, I realized. Still, old habits crawled around me and I found myself building up that wall again.

I smiled that convincing smile of mine towards him. “I’m great, thank you for asking. I’m really excited that they finally published our story, as you know. Maybe once all of this is over, I can start writing again, or-,”

“Mai, stop.” His words were quiet, so quiet I almost didn’t hear him over the waterfall of lies spewing out of my mouth. I froze, sensing the sincerity in his voice.

“Tell me how you really feel.” I looked down, unable to meet his kind eyes. I couldn’t look at him and lie to him. He wasn’t like the others. I couldn’t look him in the eyes and pretend I was okay. He would see right through me. With anyone else, it was easy. Even Dan and Katie were easy to lie to. Well, Dan not so much, but Katie bought every word I said. John was different, though.

“I’m fine.” I said through gritted teeth in a feeble attempt to get him off my back. I couldn’t lie to him, yes, but I also couldn’t tell him the truth. The truth would hurt him too much. I didn’t matter. My feelings didn’t matter. He did.

“Don’t you lie to me, Mai. Not you. Please, not you.”

I shattered. It must have been the pleading tone in his voice, or the pain in his eyes. Maybe it was the way he looked when I finally met his eyes.

“Damn it, John, what do you want from me? Do you really want to know how I feel?” I was basically screaming at him in the middle of the restaurant. The old couple who ran it stood off to the side, eyes wide.

John leaned closer to me, not affected by my outburst. “Yes, I would, Mai, because ever since I nearly- ever since that day, you haven’t opened up to me. I’m not made of glass, you know. I can handle whatever it is you have to say.”

I started to laugh. Not a kind laugh. A cold, hard, sarcastic laugh that made me feel like a bitch. I was too far gone to care, though.

“You’re not made of glass? That’s great, John, a great joke. Have you seen yourself lately? If you’re not broken down crying, you’re staring off into God knows where daydreaming. I don’t know what to do, how to help you, and I’m so scared, John, I’m so fucking scared of breaking you that I can’t admit how broken I am.”

He flinched. He flinched as if I had hit him with my words. There it was, the pain in his eyes, the pain I was so scared I would cause him. 

Guilt crushed my heart like a vice grip, shattering the fragile bonds that held it together. I had done what I’d always feared. I hurt him.

“You deserve so much better than me, John. I’m sorry. I’m so-,” I cut off, silent tears crawling slowly down my face as I sprinted out of the restaurant into the night.

“Mai!” He called, running after me.

I was faster than him. I knew I was. It was so obvious to both of us, yet that stupid bastard kept chasing me down the road.

I stumbled a few times as I ran, but kept going. He couldn’t catch me. If he did, he’d make me tell him more. I couldn’t do that to him because I’d just hurt him more.

It was dark and I was crying so much the tears dried on my face as the wind hit each drop. On top of all of that, my brain was spinning with words, shouting at me from every dark corner of my mind. All the old taunts came back to me, piling onto the new ones. Stupid. Worthless. Weak. Waste of space.

With all of that going on, it was no surprise that I didn’t see the car. It came out of nowhere, slamming into my side as I tore down the street. The impact knocked the breath from me, sending me flying into the air. I could feel each bone cracking as my body hit the pavement. I thought I saw John running up to me before everything shut off.

Finally, my mind was silent.