thriller bitch!

letters to you// 3

Remember when you found out that really cool trick you did with the pages of the science textbook? You made them look like the abc logo and you were so smiley and proud. We got in trouble by the teacher for laughing at your cuteness, but we didn't care.

Remember when I helped you with science. Remember when I helped with a few of the answers because you were having a bad day and couldn't think straight. And when I helped you, you leaned in so close to my face. My breath hitched, because your lips were only inches away from mine. "I want to say thank you, but I don't know how," you had said when you retrieved away. I knew you were going to kiss me. You were so close. I don't know what I did wrong.

I remember the first time I saw you, you sat in the back of the class and mimicked every word the teacher said. You sat alone and picked at your pencil, and my heart was already nervous because I thought you were an f boy. I was so scared to fall for you, because I had just broken up with my ex.

I remember the teacher telling you to sit with me, and I was ready to start up in tears because your good looks were so intimidating. You simply said hi and started joking around with Nathan, who sat a table away from us. You kept making a pop sound because the teacher decided that brain pop was a good way to start off the year.

I remember when your partner, Claire, couldn't stand you and made up a phony excuse about how the ac was making her sick. Ironically, I was chosen to sit next to you. I was so nervous and shaking, you didn't make a deal out of it.

Since then everyone always asked us if we were dating or anything, and you'd always say no for the both of us. I wished so bad that we were dating.

You always knew I got jealous when you talked to V, and you always made sure to see my face when you did. I blushed red when I realized that, but then again I was always blushing red when I was around you or thinking of you.

I ruined everything when I told you I hated you and everything you did. I didn't mean to say it, I was sure that I was in fact in love with you. You looked so hurt, but I didn't see that in the moment. All I saw was you being mean, when it wasn't that at all. From then on I was the bully and pushed you away. I called you names, it was wrong. So deeply wrong.

You started disliking me and you stopped talking to me. You didn't tease me with your green highlighter anymore, in fact, you threw it away and decided to grab one from another girl, insisting you liked it better than mine. It seems like a silly thing to do, but I was so jealous. Over a stupid highlighter.

Then you started being closer to her, and even though you never liked her, you always made sure to make me jealous. Everyone was so confused with what happened, but they didn't know it was my fault.

I was as mad at you as ever and decided to pop your chip bag on you, which resulted in me crying all day.

After that, you didn't laugh with me anymore. You didn't tease me anymore. You didn't share your jokes or try holding my hand when I took your ID. You didn't do any of those things anymore.

A new year started and I went hard into depression. We had fights that included screaming and crying. It was as if we had actually broken up, and this was the aftermath: hell.

You started ignoring me and I did it as well. At this point whatever feelings you had for me were gone and buried six feet underground. I didn't take it so well.

My breaking point was when I relapsed. I decided to stop being close to you and decided onto being with my main three friends. We weren't even friends anymore, just two people with a past.

Everyone asked me what had happened on our last year together. They'd ask me why we had broken up, but we were never even together in the first place. I think that's what hurt the most, the fact that we had it all there for us, we had a future. Everybody saw how much we liked each other and how oblivious we were about it at first. Everyone saw it, except for you.

We went from almost lovers to nothing at all. It was as if we built a tower and decided to burn it down. The ashes of it all weren't even there, because we decided to throw that away.

So now nothing was left, except for deep hatred for one another. I want to think I hated you for letting myself like you so much. I hated you so much, and you did too. We couldn't stand seeing each other at all.

About mid year we started talking again, but we still weren't friends. I think we were trying to repair that, but I always screwed up. I always did a wrong move, like call your bands stupid and make fun of you. You'd proceed to call my bands dumb and childish, you said their songs didn't have meanings. I was such a hypocrite for getting hurt and calling you names. But that was our routine.

Then came in our friend E, where me and her were incredibly close. Somehow, drama started and you were there. You kind of started it when you told her I called her a 'bitch'. I never did. From then she didn't like me and stuff began.

She started taking you away and started talking to you badly about me. You seemed to like her more than me which made the feelings in my gut even worse. I realized I was still infatuated with you.

There came a point where I shoved you for covering up for her. She started calling me names and it was a big mess. I regret doing that to you. It only added fuel to the licking flames.

She said it was because I was jealous of her being a better friend than you. She was right.

After that, I confessed I liked you. It was at the worst time possible, I really regretted it. You looked so uncomfortable because your feelings were long gone now and there was nothing I could do.

I tried liking your music, saying sorry, sending meaningless paragraphs of apologies to your DM. All you wanted was for me to stop. You didn't want to be friends, just mates.

Now, our third year, was a less of a mess. I think we were more mature and now you were taller and better looking which made me feel so bad. I was short and you always teased me for it. I felt like old you and old me and old us was coming back.

Then came the day I was absent for a day dye to family problems. And you and J became so close.

Now she was the one looking deeply into your eyes. Now she was the one you teased with highlighters and painting her. Now she was the one you shared your music with. You guys saw each other with so much love in your eyes, I was jealous.

Jealous because she was slipping away from me and it was all because of you.

When you carried her in your arms, I smiled. I had tears pouring onto the bright pavement, thanking God for drying them up because I didn't want anyone to see the crybaby in me.

She claimed you guys were friends, and nothing more. That she wouldn't take you away from me, but you were never mine. She said she wouldn't do me like that, and that I had nothing to worry about.

Now you two started hanging out by yourselves, leaving me behind. I needed her more than ever and it was as if you took her away.

I regret being gone for one day.

I knew you guys were in love and oblivious about it.

That was once me.

I was once in her place, looking at you with admiration while you did to me. I was once holding your hand. I was once hugging you dearly. I was once giggling at your silliness. I was once play fighting with you.

I was once inches away from your face. I was almost the one to kiss your lips. I would have been your first kiss if I hadn't done you like that.

She was the first to touch you. The first to feel your lips. The first.

It could have been me.

I'm so sorry.

Words that would be meaningless to you,
ash

august 4,2017