Dark thoughts

August 1st Nothing to lose

Hello diary,

I guess by now you know the only time I write is when i'm down that hole again,i try to escape but no matter how hard i try i keep going back to the arms of the darkness inside me, it's clinging to me ..no matter where i run i know it's there around the corners laughing at my stupid attempts.
Sometimes, i feel at the top of the world, so full of positivity and everything is under control. The world is smiling to me and my future seems so bright that it blinds my heart with happiness!
untill ..that dark part of me taps at the back of my mind saying " you know you're lying to yourself "  it makes me feel that I'm standing at the edge of that hole again. Back to the mess that i am in reality. It makes me feel so hopeless, tired, confused and anxious. I can feel my stomach tightening wanting to vomit my anxiety out .
That voice.. That voice has no mercy, it doesn't stop! it keeps telling me that i'm a loser,i'm good at nothing, i'm not pretty enough and I can't focus on anything in my life that's why i will never success in anything and all seems lost.
When i think that i'm at the verge of giving up i see the images of myself as a child..
i see her smile
i see her laughing
So carefree..even though she has been through so many bad things.. Things that a little girl shouldn't go through..but she did! She stood strong on her little feet and didn't loose her innocence. She took refugee under her big imagination. That little girl had so much hope in the world and she believed with her everything that she can make her dreams come true but life was not nice to her .. Still ! she stood her ground hoping that her older self will success.
Whenever i want to give up I hear her screaming " NO" in my head . That I should try harder . She speaks to me of faith .. Telling me that if everything else fails god will not give up on us, he always took our hand and protected us when we needed him . But now that i see myself as an adult i think about it and feel ashamed of that . I didn't put much effort in getting close to him, do I deserve his help? Does he care about me?
Little me shouts " Of course he does! He didn't abandon us before, he won't now. It's our only rope to climb up to the light again" .
These words make my dark self shut up..at least for a while untill it finds another way to get inside my head , after all this is just a small chapter of my life's story.