Elixir

II

How could I expect her to forgive me? I'm a stupid girl. A stupid, stupid girl. Just like she'd said. I didn't deserve an ounce of her love. Not after all the mistakes I seem to make. One after the next. How could I ever think she could forgive me? But somehow, she always does. Hours, sometimes days, later she walks into my room with a calm look on her face. A few rogue drops escape her emotionless eyes and she forgives me with the utmost sincerity.

There's no one like her on this planet. No one else would have given me this many chances. I'm lucky, so very lucky to have a mother like her. She's so forgiving. And she cares. And she just wants to keep me from making these same mistakes in the real world. She just wants to keep me from ruining everything all over again. Anyone else in their right mind would have killed me for what I'd done, but not her. She loves me. She cares. It's only for my safety and for my protection. If I did this to anybody else, they'd have ended my miserable life within a moment's notice. She'll forgive me, she doesn't hate me. She loves me. She loves me so much, and I love her even more. I love her because she is my mother. Mine. My mother.

Amidst the internal war I was having, I remembered to check the time. I needed to be home before mother, dinner wouldn't prepare itself. I wiped away the lingering tears and peered at the time on my wrist watch. I groaned aloud. I've been moping around for the past half hour. I hurriedly gathered all my belongings and messily shoved them in my schoolbag. I zipped it up and hoisted it onto my back. I turned to gather the meager sum of money I found, only to find it all scattered around the floor. I let out a frustrated sigh and sat back down.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it anymore. The constant cycle of hatred and violence then forgiveness and I just couldn't handle it any longer. I wanted it all to end. Right now more than anything. I wanted to never have existed. If there were a way to erase myself from life I would do it in a heartbeat. But I couldn't do that to mother. I couldn't just leave her. Not after what I'd done to her. I'm all she has left, even though most times it feels as though she'd prefer a life without me.

The sound of distant voices cackling had me out of my trance and scrambling for the fallen cash. I couldn't let anyone see me in this state. I was a mess of wet tears and sweat. As their voices got louder, I decided to ditch the entire idea of gifting her with something — I didn't have enough to buy anything decent anyway — and opted to make her dinner taste extra special tonight. I speedily began my silent escape, head tucked and staring intensely at the ground, when I met the mystery group half way. I launched myself over the backrest of the bench and crouched behind it.

The sudden spikes of laughter and obnoxious shouts were enough to slow down my racing heart and peak my interest. I knew I had to get home, but I couldn't help my curiosity. Their lack of a reaction confirmed that they hadn't seen me. It was a group of four, two girls and two guys all brilliantly radiant in their own spectacular ways. Immediately, I knew the laughter fell out of the blonde's mouth. Her face shone like a thousand stars and there was a bit of a dance in her step. I knew that nothing in this world, not even the cruelty of my mother's hand could wipe the smile off my face at the sight of her. Her happiness was contagious.

Beside her walked a tall, slender brunette with dark chocolate skin. Walking was not a good enough way to describe the way she moved. Every step was as smooth and even as a sheet of glittering ice. If you didn't look too closely, it was almost like she was gliding across the pavement. A smug smile was set on her face, she looked regal, as if she belonged on a throne. It was clear that she was amused by the blonde's reaction, despite all her efforts to keep her face neutral.

To the right of the brunette, the shortest of the group, was a guy, he couldn't have exceeded 5'5", but his liveliness made up for it. He was blushing, like mad and gesturing, wildly as if trying to defend his honor.

My eyes shifted slightly to the right landing on the last of the four, only to find, he was already staring right at me. My heart climbed into my throat and pounded thunderously in my ears. He was gorgeous. More than gorgeous. Looking at him sent a shock through me and I instantly shot up, forgetting that he was the only one who saw me.

The blonde clammed up and the short guy's flailing slowly came to a stop as they all turned to look at me. I could only begin to imagine the mess I was. Tear stained cheeks and sweat trailing down the side of my face. My hair was thrown into a messy pony tail that was now sagging. Stray strands were stuck to the nape of my neck and the sides of my face. I was ugly and bruised. And I knew that evidence from last night's torture was plastered on my skin.

I stepped out from behind the bench and attempted to walk away unnoticed. I felt their stares burning into the back of my head, but I kept walking, head down and faster than I thought my legs would carry me. My eyes began to water, I couldn't face myself. The humiliation was too much to handle.

Or maybe it wasn't the humiliation that made me do it. Maybe it was the shame, or the tiredness, or the I'm-so-sick-of-being-alive-but-not-living-ness that pushed me to scream with all that was in me and shatter into a million little pieces on the hard, hot ground. I couldn't go home. I wouldn't. I had no will power. There was nothing left of me but hurt and sadness. I didn't want to see my mother's face. I didn't want to feel the hatred in every blow delivered. I didn't want to see the apology in her eye. The apology that wasn't strong enough to stop her from doing it again.

I didn't want to live a life of sorry's and impossible mistakes. But I knew that no one would ever love me like she did. I knew that I would never find someone so forgiving. But I'd rather nothing than her. I'd rather the pain of loneliness than another moment in her presence. I didn't want to exist. I no longer wanted to breathe. No more functioning, no more thinking, no more sorry's that translated into please-stop's. I wanted it all to be done. Forever.

I wanted to die.