Hands All Over

Ch. 42 Kids

Juice looked out over the sleeping town of Charming from his seat at the edge of their mountain. Angela was sitting between his legs wearing his black hoodie, her back leaning against his chest while his chin rested on her shoulder. On the ride back home, he'd been going over and over what had happened with the Russians. The weight of his first kill fell heavy on his shoulders. He'd pulled off as soon as he saw the turn to their spot, needing a moment to clear his head.

He'd never killed anyone like he'd killed that Russian. He winced as the image flashed before his eyes again; he could still see the man's body jerk back as he shot him, the pattern of blood spattered on the fabric rolls behind them. He'd only gotten a few shots off before he lowered his gun, all aimed at one man.

Angela waited patiently for him to speak. Her eyes were heavy from lack of sleep and she was fighting like hell to stay awake. Leaning back against him, she turned her head to press a kiss to his cheek, a silent reminder she was still there.

Her soft kiss pulled him from his thoughts. He sighed lengthily, pressing a quick kiss to her shoulder. "I did something bad tonight, Angel," he stated softly. "And this time...this time I meant to do it."

Her thoughts went back to the first night they sat there, the night after Donna died. It'd been the beginning of their relationship, and they were just starting to get to now each other. She knew him better now, knew he was faraway in his thoughts now, most likely running through what-if's like he usually did when stuff like this happened. He didn't need an answer, he needed to get this off of his chest and fast. Instead of replying, she set a hand on his, giving it a simple squeeze to urge him on.

"I shot a guy today, Angel. Him and his crew...they weren't even expecting it. One minute we're doing business, the next we shot 'em up. They didn't stand a chance," he explained as he shook his head. "That shit ain't right. Those guys could've had families. They coulda had kids and I..."

This time, she did speak up because if he went down that route, he'd drown himself in his own guilt. "Don't do that, Juice. You're torturing yourself over things you can't possibly know," she interrupted, squeezing his hand again.

She felt his Adam's apple bob against her shoulder as he swallowed hard. His voice was rough with grief as he continued, "They didn't have to die, Angel. I can't...I can't justify this shit. I understood the retaliation for Jax but...I just can't..." he was trying his best to explain what he was feeling without giving away too much. The reason they'd killed Putlova was for retaliation, the reason they killed the rest of the Russians was because of their own greed; they no longer wanted to share the gun trade.

She slowly sat up, tucking her legs underneath her as she turned to face him. "There is a reason for this, Juice. You may not be able to see it now, but...there's gotta be some reason why Clay wanted this to happen. He wouldn't put this on you if he didn't have a good reason, right?"

"Right," he answered, nodding a bit. The weight still remained on his shoulders. He'd killed someone. Someone who's name he didn't even know. His stomach churned at the thought. He was a monster.

"Hey," she said, taking his face into her hands and lifting it so their eyes could meet. "You are a good man, Juice. A good, smart, loyal, amazing guy with a great heart. What you did, it doesn't change that."

She said the words with such conviction; he was starting to believe her. Without another word, he slid his arms around her waist, pulling her in closer and laying his head down on her chest. He let out a relieved sigh as he listened to the soothing rhythm of her heartbeat. Though he still felt guilty about the kill, confiding in her, listening to her comforting words had lessened the incredible weight that had been on his shoulders. He pulled away, meeting her eyes once again. "How do you do it?" he asked, a confused look on his face.