Rough Patch ~ Twisted Fate Excerpt
Copyright © 2012 by Ton’e Brown
Published by Hayden Publishing
Quietly, I prayed, as my heart ached. I looked up to speak to God; He is my only comfort and hope. I asked Him, “You got to help me Lord this has to change.” I walked to peep in on Jazzy, my little girl and watched as she slept. “Frances is my name and I am torn, broken and lost trying to find my way in this world. Daily I fall to my knees and I continue to pray. Thinking about my family and how much I miss them. Especially, my father who I love dearly, why didn’t he speak up for me?”
“I was shocked when a tear rolled down my face, I had to catch my thoughts and wipe my tears. I thought I was over it, I still feel an overwhelming emotion of loneliness when I think about the loss of contact with my family.”
Frances thoughts began to go back to her past as she remembered what a disgrace she was to her parents, especially the experience of her mother’s constant verbal abuse and sometimes it was physical. The tears rolled continuously down her face, she grabs a tissue and wiped her tears. “Every time I give thought to my parents, my knees and my body weaken. It’s the painful thought of their betrayal.”
A lot of time had past; yet, I still have thoughts of that time in my life. I remember how on several occasions, how I would speak up for my brother, he would freeze from the near presence of our mother and whenever I stood up for him, it only made matters worse for me. Mother would become so angry that everyone in the house would pay the price. Funny, my mother was a very uptight woman; she was never satisfied when it came to me. It’s something I could never figure out, it was as if mother hated me, she blamed me for something and never took the time to communicate what it was to me. It was hard for mother to express her expectations, or her reason for her angered emotions. You would never know if she loved, the words were never spoken and if you touched her she would quench and pull away. It was just the way it was and it didn’t matter the opinion or thought of any one else. I desperately wanted to feel her love for me but it seemed impossible no matter what I did.
I remember one time I sat beside her in church services, a Christmas Eve play and I was filled with the emotion of the holiday. I reached over to grab my mothers hand to hold and she pulled it away. I smiled, leaned close to her and grabbed her hand again. She literally, shifted her body in an angle away from me and pulled my father over towards me to stand. I put my head down and was afraid to touch my father in fear he would reject me. I just stood there and tried not to touch.
My father was the quiet type who never wanted to argue, he would allow my mother to have control of the house and it had gotten to the point that all he would say was, “Yes dear” and hope she’d go away. This left no room for a real relationship to develop; they lived separate lives as husband and wife. “At least that’s how I remember it.” My parent’s relationship was unpredictable and disturbing at the same time. I certainly felt I wasn’t a fit with my family and for the longest time, I lived in a fantasy world dreaming about finding love. Wondering, what was real love like and what my family would be like once I married. I knew one thing that was for sure, it wasn’t going to be a marriage like my parents, no way.
Frances starts to think about her first love, well the father of her daughter and how angry she made her parents because she had an unplanned pregnancy.