Critiques Collection

(WIP) CRITIQUE #6-- A Dangerous Love Game by @spiritedwriter

I also changed the way the information was presented. Instead of randomly stating, "I am Kaley White," at the end of the intro, I inserted dialogue that addressed her. By inserting this dialogue, I was also able to hint at his powers of suggestion and influence. I also changed the earlier mention of their relationship. I didn't want to outright state that "he wanted her dead even though she loved him." So, I just expressed it in a more natural way that didn't come off as quite so teachy-preachy.

You also change verb tense a lot in these short paragraphs. Stick to the past tense. "My breathing was coming in pants now," makes no sense chronologically. Then you switch from "I can" to "I took" in the same sentence. This is something to practice in your writing so that you don't have to do so much editing once it's over.

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The first chapter starts out with an inexplicable third-person blurb. I think this should be removed. Also, as I've stated many times throughout my short life, you should never spend so much time talking about a character's appearance in a single paragraph. Ideally, the appearance should come together from pieces of information scattered throughout the work. It is the least important part of your character. You don't just stop at physical characterization, though. You go on to describe her as a loyal friend and a "nerd." Don't do all this. Just let the details come out naturally. We will discover things about her as the story goes on. Slow down.

Lines like, "You're wondering who he is, right?" and, "Well, you'll find out soon enough," should be omitted entirely. That's way too much of a fourth wall break. Also, we know we're going to find out. That's what the story is about. Take your time and deal with what's going on right now in the story. We'll find out about Xavier when we get there.

I'd take out the entire thing about ribbons and anime girls and uniforms and stuff. Also, seifuku have ties, as well. They are just different types of ties. They are not ribbons. Some seifuku have your average ties, as well. So, I don't think that's entirely accurate. I'd take it all out.

Again, slow down the characterization. Don't go so fast. We'll find out how Xavier looks later on.

I like the addition of his creepy stare. It's cool. Keep it.

The dialogue is really unrealistic. It also needs punctuation so that we can read the actual voice. Without punctuation, it feels robotic and unnatural.

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The characters sure do open up to each other. They tell each other way too much information in their first conversations. Also, they ask too much information from each other. The interactions themselves are not genuine at all.

Nikole muttering something about "stupid soul mate bonds or something like that" is not a good addition. Leave it out or change it a lot. You hint at things way too much.

Also, your chapters are too short. Group all relevant scenes together to make a chapter. Each chapter should have its own little story arc. These chapters are disjointed and never really come to an end. They just lead into each other forever.

"Xavierhasthesameclassandsaidsorryand..." should never ever be done. Please do not do this. It takes up so much time and space and is very unprofessional.

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Character Analysis:

At this point, I'll take a break to analyze your characters.

First we have Kaley White. What do I know about Kaley White? I know that she is extremely rich, as she says that her parents are "loaded" and "very well known." Her mother is a world-famous fashion designer, and her father is a successful lawyer-- also, he is a vampire. Her best friend, Nikole, is also loaded. Also, Nikole is a fairy. And Kaley is a vampire-human hybrid. Kaley is also beautiful, a straight-A student, and an artist. She is into anime. Her love interest is a type of being that is out to get her kind.

Then, we have Nikole. Nikole is a rich fairy-girl. Nothing much else to say about her, but she's also beautiful.

Xavier Stevens has an odd first name and a super-mundane last name. He is extremely "hot" and "handsome," as stated by our main girls. He has powers that enable him to enchant Kaley, OR he and Kaley share a special bond out of destiny. He is mysterious and brooding.

At this point, your character designs need some serious overhauling. Each character needs some flaws. Honestly, everybody being rich is really off-putting. Seems like everybody is rich and has no flaws. Kaley doesn't need to be all those great things at once. She can be an artist who struggles with her grades; she can be a straight-A student with immobilizing perfectionism; she can be a middle-class girl with dreams of being a star. You know, don't make everything so perfect. Her dad is also a vampire and a famous lawyer. How do you hide that? Her dad should have a work-from-home job or something where he takes night shifts. It has to make some sense.

Anyway, I'm far from finished with this. I'll continue as soon as I can. I hope I've given you some things to think about! Happy writing. :)