Critiques Collection

(WIP) CRITIQUE #6-- A Dangerous Love Game by @spiritedwriter

Note: As this is not an "official" critique, I will not include a rating. This critique is only to help facilitate the rewriting process.

Your Summary: The summary could be improved greatly. It is far too short, oversimplifies the subject matter, and needs updating for punctuation. Since the majority of the story seems to be written from the first person point of view, it might be a good idea to write the summary from that POV, too. It's a matter of personal choice, but I like to set the stage like that. I don't want people to be surprised that my book is written in the first person. Based on what I know about the story and the audience you're attempting to reach, I would rewrite the summary something like this (it's late, and I'm lazy, but you'll get the idea): A sweet sixteen is always a big event, sure. But my sweet sixteen was a true turning point for me. From that day on, I'd live my life wondering what was going to happen to me, how I was going to change, how much more of a freak I could become. The life of a vampire-human hybrid is just as crazy as the phrase sounds. With this condition, nothing is as easy as it should be. Falling in love even has its dangers, especially when your sweetheart is not quite what he seems. Even that summary isn't the best thing in the world (obviously), but it gives an idea what your length should look like.

Your Cover: The cover image, while evocative, has little to do with the story's content and even less to do with the tone of the story. You'll want to look for something darker and more tense. Even the font has a whimsical, fantasy feel to it that just doesn't fit the story. Again, something darker and more serious might work better. But I know covers are the last thing on your mind when you're still writing a story.

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Body Analysis:

The first line is messy. "Coming in pants," is an odd phrase. It makes me think of somebody breathing into a pair of jeans. Let's rewrite this entire intro, and then I'll tell you what I've changed.

I couldn't catch my breath, no matter how hard my chest heaved, no matter how much I tried to calm my mind. I stumbled, sprinting down the rough path, leaves crumbling to bits beneath my frantic feet. I stole a look behind myself and into the shadows. Couldn't see a damn thing. He was no doubt still in close pursuit, hunting me down. That was his job, after all. I just couldn't bring myself to turn and face him, fight like I'd fought so many times before. No matter how dangerous he was to me-- to my kind-- I'd always love him. I cried for help, though I knew it was useless. If anyone was near, they'd stand no chance against him. There was no knight in white armor to save me, no soft-hearted outlaw on a silver steed. I was alone. His torturous footfalls nipped at my back like hellfire, threatening to swallow me whole. Panic tore through my mind. Was I fast enough?

"Kaley," his voice called to me from all around, "slow down. Let's talk." The beckoning was hollow and insincere, but my mind still begged me to obey him. I longed for the days when I'd have run to his side. Running from him was so strange, so horrifying. I couldn't help but blame myself. Could I have avoided this chase? Where did everything go wrong?

I changed the structure completely, but I still tried to include the same basic content from the original. The question at the end was a bit forced, but it can be omitted. I love the idea of placing it in the middle of the action, which I obviously didn't change. I did, however, change a bit of the scenery. For me, the image of a dimly lit path bathed in moonlight calls to mind a tranquil scene, or a mildly unnerving one at best. It isn't terrifying, like this should be. But the focus of the paragraphs is on the action, so I didn't feel there was much room for scenery, anyway. Describing everything as "quiet except for the... leaves..." is counterproductive. That level of silence doesn't create fear. What would instill terror would be to describe a deafening silence, filled with only the pounding of her own heartbeat and the racing of her own thoughts. But I decided against including that, as well, as it detracted from what I felt to be the purpose of the paragraph.